My new book Here Comes the Drama: A Ferris and Sloan Story is live!
She’s threatening not to come to the wedding… because of the guest list?” Yeah. We’re going there today.
This week, I’m joined by psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, and honestly… this conversation felt like therapy for every person who’s ever dealt with difficult in-laws, wedding drama, or the classic “that’s just how my family is” excuse. We get into the REAL reason weddings bring out so much tension, why mother-in-law relationships can feel so complicated, and how couples can stop getting stuck in the middle of everyone else’s expectations.
We also react to listener stories involving crying over wedding invitations, passive-aggressive comments, controlling family dynamics, and boundary-crossing behavior that had me internally screaming. If you’re engaged, married, dealing with family pressure, or just love hearing about messy relationship dynamics… this episode is for you.
Join me on Patreon and get bonus content every month!
Must-Hear Insights and Key Moments
- Why Weddings Trigger Family Drama – Dr. Tracy explains how weddings become emotional pressure cookers because families, traditions, expectations, and control issues all collide at once.
- “That’s Just My Mom” Is NOT Helpful – Christa and Dr. Tracy unpack why dismissing your partner’s feelings damages trust and what supportive responses actually sound like.
- The Six Types of Mothers-in-Law – Dr. Tracy shares how identifying behavior patterns can help couples stop personalizing conflict and respond more effectively.
- Guest List Guilt & Wedding Control – A listener story sparks a conversation about crying over wedding invitations, emotional manipulation, and standing firm in your choices.
- Boundaries Aren’t About Controlling People – One of the biggest takeaways of the episode: boundaries are about what YOU will do when someone crosses the line.
- The Internet’s “Cut Them Off” Culture – Christa and Dr. Tracy discuss why social media pushes black-and-white thinking and why real relationships are much more nuanced.
- Love Is Hard… And That’s Normal – The episode challenges the fairytale idea that healthy relationships should always feel easy and effortless.
- Why Couples Need To Be On The Same Team – From in-law tension to parenting differences, the conversation keeps coming back to one thing: connection between partners matters most.
Words of Wisdom: Standout Quotes from This Episode
- “People are gonna people. You can’t control every little thing they do.” – Christa Innis
- “I feel like weddings bring out so much more than just two people getting married.” – Christa Innis
- “It’s almost set up like a competition between the partner and the family.” – Christa Innis
- “So many people focus on the wedding and forget about the marriage.” – Christa Innis
- “The internet is SO quick to tell people to cut everyone off.” – Christa Innis
- “I think people just want to feel like they’re not alone in these situations.” – Christa Innis
- “It’s about being confident in who you are and letting the pieces fall where they may.” – Christa Innis
- ”Relationship awareness really is about who am I and who am I communicating with.” – Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
- “It’s not conflict that tears relationships apart. It’s never learning how to repair.” – Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
- “Boundaries are not about controlling other people. They’re about deciding what YOU will do.” – Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
- “You and your partner need to be on the same team.” – Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
- “Difference does not mean someone did it wrong.” – Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
- “Love is hard. Healthy relationships take work.” – Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
- “You don’t get to control what family does, only how you respond together.” – Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
- “How much are you willing to shrink yourself to become the version of you someone else wants?” – Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
*This conversation is for entertainment and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. Please seek a licensed professional for your specific situation.
About Dr. Tracy
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish is a psychologist, couples therapist, author, speaker, and podcast host helping people feel less lonely in their relationships and build stronger connection. With over 18 years of clinical experience, she’s known for her honest, relatable, and evidence-based approach to marriage, communication, boundaries, and family dynamics.
She’s the author of I Didn’t Sign Up For This and You, Your Husband, and His Mother, and has been featured in outlets including The New York Times, NBC News, and Parade. Through her books, podcast, online community, and therapy work, Dr. Tracy helps couples navigate the messy, real-life challenges of love, conflict, parenting, and partnership with compassion and practical tools that actually work.
Follow Dr. Tracy Dalgleish
Join the Drama with Christa Innis:
- Website
- TikTok
- YouTube
- Get Christa’s Book, Here Comes the Drama: A Ferris & Sloan Story
Got Wedding Drama? We Want to Hear It!
Your stories make Here Comes the Drama what it is! Share your unforgettable wedding tales, hilarious mishaps, or unbelievable moments with us. Whether it’s a wild confession or a story worth a skit, we can’t wait to hear it.
Submit your story today: Story Submission Form
Follow us on social media for updates and sneak peeks at upcoming episodes. Your stories inspire the drama, the laughs, and the lessons we love to share!
A Team Dklutr Production
Blog Transcript:
Note: We use AI transcription so there may be some inaccuracies
Christa Innis: Hey, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Here Comes the Drama. I’m your host, Christa Innis, and today I’m sitting down with Dr. Tracy. She’s a clinical psychologist, couples therapist, and relationship expert who helps people build healthier and stronger relationships. She’s the creator of Be Connected Digital, where she teaches relationship skills to people around the world, and her work has been featured in outlets like the New York Times, Forbes, and Time.
Dr. Tracy’s also the author of You, Your Husband, and His Mother and I Didn’t Sign Up for This, host of the top 100 parenting podcast Dear Dr. Tracy, and owner of the mental health clinic Integrated Wellness. I’m so excited to dive into this with her because we talk about relationships, boundaries, family dynamics, and some of the biggest challenges that couples see today, especially a lot of the ones that are featured in our stories.
So we not only dive into her work and how she helps couples, but you can also take things away from her work no matter what stage of life you’re in. and then of course, I have her help and react to two stories today. and she does a great job really breaking it down and offering really helpful advice.
So without further ado, please enjoy this episode with Dr. Tracy.
Christa Innis: Hi, Dr. Tracy. Thanks for being here
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Thank you for having me, Christa. I’m so excited for our conversation today.
Christa Innis: Yes, I can’t wait. As I was saying before I started recording, I’ve been following you for a long time, and I love the way you portray different scenarios as, like, helpful tips for your followers or just anyone that sees your content.
So before I get too into that, can you just tell everyone a little bit about you and what you do, like your expertise?
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Absolutely. I’m a psychologist and couples therapist. I’ve been seeing people and researching couples for 20 years, which is wild to share. But I started writing my books, writing blogs, podcasts, and creating online education for people in 2018.
And it was actually after I had my second child that I started to feel really dissatisfied with how people were talking about relationships. Sometimes tips were put out there that were just lacking in evidence and science. And so one of my values being I wanna reach more people outside of my therapy room, I started my Instagram space, I started the podcast, and then I’ve now released two books.
One’s called I Didn’t Sign Up For This, which is four couples in my therapy room all working to build healthy, interdependent relationships. And then the release of my most recent book is called You, Your Husband, and His Mother. And it’s been an incredible journey, Christa, to see how I can reach people who would’ve never been in my therapy room, and then they can say to their partner, ” Dr.
Tracy said I should try it like this,” or, “I saw this thing about it from Dr. Tracy. Here, take a look.” And it’s just incredible to know that I have this reach across the globe to help people improve their relationships.
Christa Innis: I love that. Like, In that way, I feel like social media is so powerful because it’s giving access to therapy, to things that people maybe w- didn’t have access to before.
And I think it also gets rid of the stigma of like, ” Hey, we need help, like, someone outside- Yes … of ourselves.” So I think that’s very powerful.
Why We Don’t Talk Honestly About Marriage
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: I love that you have said that because I find more and more people are being more open to talking about mental health, to talking about struggles in parenthood.
And yet the area… A- and tell me if you have a different feeling of this, but I find people still struggle with the heart-to-heart conversations around their romantic relationships, where if they’re dating it’s okay to talk about it, but then as soon as people are married they don’t open up and say, “We’ve hit a really hard season,” or, ” We feel like roommates,” or, “It feels like we are two ships passing in the night.”
Those are the times where people don’t open up and talk about their relationships because there’s a lot of shame attached to that. This feeling like maybe there’s something wrong with me or, or worse, my partner and our relationship, and so we don’t talk about that.
Christa Innis: Mm, totally. And I think it kind of goes back, and this might be, like, a big circle, but I feel like- That idea of like growing up with like Disney and fairy tales.
So you find your one soulmate out there, you get married and it’s happily ever after. And so there’s, I feel like this idea of like once you get married, everything’s butterflies and rainbows. It’s perfect. And if you have those moments of like weakness in your relationship or the roommate, like, just like you were saying, then that’s a bad sign.
Maybe you didn’t pick the right one. And I think people start then having these doubts of like, “Well, I don’t wanna feel that way, so I’m just g- not gonna admit it,” right?
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Mm. our pop culture teaches us that relationships should be easy, and desire is always high between two partners, and we’re always excited and happy.
And even more so when you are scrolling social media and seeing happy couples reflected back to you, it is that question of what’s happening for us. And- Mm … part of my education in reaching for people is for them to understand that it is not conflict that is what tears a relationship apart. It’s when you never learn to come back together, and when you stay far apart or you don’t repair.
Because the reality is, in relationships it’s not if someone is going to hurt you, it’s when. Yeah. And when that happens, and of course it matters because the moment your partner means something to you, that is the moment they have the power to hurt you. And that’s when you want to then learn the skills and tools that many of us didn’t have modeled, where you can come and say, “I made that mistake,” or, “I believe what you’re experiencing,” and, or, “Tell me more. And I don’t wanna be defensive, I want us to move through this together.” being able to teach people, the relational skills that I teach the clients in my therapy room has just been such a gift.
The Real Reason Weddings Bring Out Family Drama
Christa Innis: That’s amazing. I love that. And, like, we’re seeing too, it’s like I feel like there’s such a direct tie.
you know, when I first started sharing, wedding stories and drama stories, like, that people sent to me, you know, yeah, mainly it’s entertainment, of course, but I feel like it’s so much deeper than just two people getting married. You’re combining families, you’re combining traditions, backgrounds, cultures, whatever that is, and it brings on all these new levels of stress, right?
And so I feel like a lot of the stories that I get have to do with… It kind of ties into your newest book you’re talking about. Um, is it, You, Your Husband, and His Mother,
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: right? His Mother.
Christa Innis: Yes. And so I feel like a lot of the stories, and again, I don’t wanna group, ’cause I know sometimes mother-in-laws are like, “I’m great, and I have a great mother-in-law.”
But I feel like a lot of the stories come from that, because it’s this interesting dynamic of letting go and letting your children have this new family. and I find that’s an interesting tie between, like, our kind of two worlds right now, is like, people send these stories in because they want to feel like they’re not alone.
Like, and how do I handle a difficult situation with this new, stage, but also bringing in more family? I know that’s kind of like a loaded point, but yeah.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: you’re touching on something so important, and what I have seen is throughout working with hundreds of couples, or even single individual women coming to therapy because their partner doesn’t want to come, what I continue to see is this narrative of, ” There must be something wrong with me.
I must be doing something that’s wrong, or maybe I’m the problem.” And so daughters-in-law are often walking around wondering what’s wrong with them and why they are being labeled as the problem. And many people struggle to name this because of what’s attached to it. And if you say, “I’m struggling with my mother-in-law,” does that mean, “Oh, I don’t like my husband’s mother”?
No, of course not. It means that here are two different families coming together. So husband and wife, hetero relationship as an example, they’re coming together and building a new family. Mm-hmm. And when they do that, they bring all of their values and things that are important to them to create this new family.
But oftentimes in doing that, we don’t then talk about expectations and roles of our first families. And because we don’t name those out loud, guess what? There is just a boom. There’s a clashing because your mother-in-law has expectations. She probably has dreamed of the day of giving away her son as well.
Mm-hmm. And then you and your family have their expectations, and they’ve dreamed of that, right? And, yet who is it really about? It’s about the two people coming together. Mm-hmm. And then you mix in really what’s happening generationally right now. we have hit the information boom, social media, the rise of information that is available around what it means to build healthy relationships with ourselves, with our partners, and extended families.
Mm-hmm. And part of that is about saying I don’t like the way that my parents did X, Y, Z. Of course, I still love them. Mm. And yet, I don’t want to do it that way. And if we’re not able, willing, or even have the capacity to have those conversations, then we’re going to be bumping heads a lot, and that is where the early struggles start.
And I often see them, for a couple, I often see it around the time when they’re getting married, … after the engagement, and then everybody’s expectations and wishes start to come into play. I mean, I know you see that in all the stories that you go through.
Christa Innis: Yes. I feel like it’s such, like, a power dynamic at that point because it’s the couple coming together wants to show like, “We have boundaries.
We have our own expectations,” like you’re talking about. But then, yeah, it’s like then the two families coming together and be like, “Well, this is important to us and this,” but no one can really communicate them the right way. It’s very like, um, I should say a lot of the stories I read are very like showing signs of control, and it’s without, you know, like taking a step back and being like, “Well, this is important to me.”
It’s like, “Well, why’d she do this? She did this to hurt me.” You know? It’s, it’s very, like the secondary emotion kinda thing. Like, turning immediately to like anger instead of just being like, “Hey, this is, you know, happening to me,” taking it, like, personally.
Mother-In-Law Meltdowns & Marriage Myths
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: There’s a really big role change that happens for a mother when her son is getting married.
There’s a big role change, and that’s often not talked about. A- and people listening might be wondering, “Well, why are you only talking about her mother-in-law? Is this not true for husband and his mother-in-law?” And yes, absolutely. So conflict can exist in all different makeups in families.
It can also… I commonly see it also with sisters-in-law. And research and my clinical experience shows that there’s a higher rate of conflict between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law specifically. And the reason for this is because of role changes for mom. So the mother-in-law then questions, “What role do I have here?
My son used to call me, and we would talk every day, and now I don’t hear from him. What’s my role?” Or when she goes into their new family home, what role does she play in there? And role changes is one piece, but then there’s something different about the generation today. Women are saying, ” We are showing up in the workplace differently.
We are raising our children in a different way. We’re dividing the mental load and talking about cognitive labor with our partners. We’re playing different roles.” And when we do things differently, Christa, that can sometimes stir up insecurities in others. Mm-hmm. And so then if a mother-in-law isn’t able to hold that difference is not bad, I see many women ending up taking it personally.
” Oh, so if you do it this way, then does it mean that I did it wrong?” And that’s not what it is, but it’s often not something that’s discussed. And again, it creates that tension. And then there’s this other element, too, where I believe that in my experience clinically, It’s almost in a way…
I think of this one example where a mother-in-law shows up uninvited at the front step, and she says, “Well, what’s the big deal? I’m just down the street. I was thinking about you. I have this fresh bread and all the things. Here, I’m delivering it.” And that might not work for what you need in your family that you’re building.
And many mothers-in-law then do to their daughters-in-law what was done to them- Mm-hmm … because there’s this kind of belief of that’s just what you do in families. And today that’s not what women are saying.
Christa Innis: Wow, that’s interesting. so, like, in these stories, a lot of times, you know, like you said, it’s just tends to be more common between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
How d- can someone validate their partner? Like, so let’s say in a hetero relationship, man and woman, how can then the man, validate his partner’s feelings? ‘Cause I feel like a lot of times we get these stories sent, and if I’m talking about that dynamic between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, it seems like the fiance is nowhere to be seen.
Like, he’s not mentioned in the story, maybe here and there. So how can he really show, that he’s validating his partner? Does he have to be a tie between the family? Like, what kind of advice would you give for someone in that difficult situation?
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Hmm.
That’s the element here where I think a lot of men specifically, when they hear that their mom has upset their wife in some way, they’re almost in this conflict. Do I turn to my wife, which means I’m saying my mom is bad, or do I turn to my mom and then I’m not validating my wife?
And unfortunately, many men end up turning to their partners, invalidating them, and saying… I mean, some of the most common things I hear are, ” It’s not that big of a deal. She meant well. That’s just Mom. She doesn’t mean anything by it. You’ll get used to her. She really does care about you.” And so those expressions are often because he lives inside the family system that he comes from.
Mm-hmm.And so when he sees his partner upset with his mom, he immediately goes to, “I have to protect my family.” And by doing that, it completely breaks the connection with your partner instead of then being able to hold both truths. And both truths… To be able to hold two things actually requires a lot of tension inside of you and discomfort because you’re saying, “I can validate your experience and say I see you.
I can only imagine how painful that was. I’m sorry that wasn’t okay.” When I say that, I also have to be able to hold inside of me that my mom is still a good person and I still love my mom, and I want my mom to still be in the family. And I think a lot of men actually end up fearing that if my wife is upset with my mom, that means she doesn’t wanna have a relationship with my mom.
And so what’s the quickest way I can fix this? And unfortunately, a lot of people go to problem-solving and fixing or minimizing and dismissing by saying, “It’s just Mom. It’s not that bad. She didn’t mean anything by it.” Instead, what’s much more supportive is just being a witness to what your partner’s experiencing and saying, ” Tell me more about that.
I didn’t experience that way. I didn’t experience what mom said in that way, and it looks like that was painful for you, so can you tell me more?” And then being able to decide what do we do after that. And that’s really where the book came from, you, your husband, and his mother, because couples continue to come to me with this as the number one pain point, and having no system to be able to get on the same team and to actually set boundaries.
So the whole book walks couples through doing that. It’s actually something that I wish every engaged couple would get so that they… Even if you have a good relationship with your in-laws, get this book so that you can go through this system and really build a solid relationship with your partner so that you can remain in contact with family.
‘Cause the number one thing we know is you don’t get to control what family’s going to do. you can remember that family is consistent and predictable. And it’s you and your partner that need to be on the same team.
Boundaries Aren’t About Controlling People
Christa Innis: Yes. Okay. I love that you said that. It’s so interesting because we see these stories time and time again where it’s almost set up to be like this competition.
So I love that you said, like, appropriate things to actually validate versus, you’re not picking sides. It’s understanding, and it doesn’t mean you’re, like, pushing the other one to the wayside, but there’s an appropriate way to do it because I think so many times it’s like am I Team A or Team B? Oh, gosh, I know.
And that means I have to go no contact or I have to do this. and this might be a loaded question, but when do you think is an appropriate time for low or no contact with a family that may be constantly crossing boundaries, doesn’t support the couple, or seems to be a pain point consistently for this couple?
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: That one really depends, and I walk really carefully in that. As a psychologist and couples therapist, it’s never my position to suggest that- Mm-hmm … a couple should go that road. And I think something that I want to highlight for people who are listening and watching is there is so much space between what it looks like to do what you’ve already been doing and no contact.
There’s so much in there. and really our brains love to do the black or white or all or nothing thinking. And I remember one time coming across one person asking, ” I don’t know what to do. My in-laws keep showing up. We’ve told them not to. Do we tell them again not to show up unannounced, or do we cut them out?”
And Christa, they went from one extreme to the other, when instead what I really encourage couples to do, and that’s step four in the book, is around how can actually set boundaries together as a couple, is that look at what you’re doing in response to the behavior. Because oftentimes we’re making requests of other people.
” Please don’t talk about politics. Please don’t ask us about our wedding choices. Please don’t…” That’s all about the other person. And instead, what true boundaries looks like is you being able to say, “When you do X, then I am going to do Y.” Because that is all what you will or will not do. So if politics are brought up at the holiday table, you and your partner announce, “Okay,
We’re done dinner. Nice to see everyone. We’ll see you next time,” and you both leave. Or when they’re talking about your wedding choices or your parenting choices, you say, “That’s not something we want to talk about today,” and then change the topic. Don’t go in and then justify or get mad that they brought it up again.
You respond to them in that way. And then sometimes, too, it starts to then shift to it no longer feels good to be in your home because of how conversations unfold. Now we’re gonna meet at a coffee shop, or now we’re going to meet at a restaurant and have a meal there. Or if you have kids, now we meet at the park and you can see the kids at the park.
So there’s, there’s all these in between places that people can land, but it really has to come from a place of what’s important to you- Mm … and what do you value? And that’s step one in the book.
Christa Innis: I love that. I think that’s so great because, like you said, the internet is so black and white. And when I post stories, so many times, even with, like, friendship stories or whatever, like bridesmaids, something, people are so quick to be like, “Just cut them out.
Don’t talk to them ever again.” Oh, yeah. And I hate… I’m, I’m someone, though, that I, like, I hold onto things for a really long time, and I just, I’m not someone that does that. But they’re so quick to be like, “Well, why are you still talking to them? Cut them out.” It bothers me how long… And I think that we’re so quick as a society to be like, “Oh, they did one thing. Let’s just be done with them.” so I think that’s a great point, is there’s so many other ways to respond and to get on the same page with your partner and be like, “Okay, if this is brought up, or if they do this, or they say this, here’s how we respond,” and just- Mm-hmm … sticking to it. I think that’s a great point.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: My goal with every couple I work with is to help them soothe each other’s nervous systems so they can be connected and aligned. And I almost like to use this analogy of, like, I imagine that I don’t do this with couples in my therapy room, but I kind of think about as if I could sit at the dinner table with them at their family table.
And then I could be the one that says, ” Have you seen how much, these two people have been doing together and how great they are?” Is- Right? Like, it’s just this idea that you don’t get to control if your mother-in-law is going to play the martyr or play the victim, and I go through six types in the book, six types of mothers-in-law that I’ve seen across all of my work, and that might just be how they’re going to show up.
You don’t get to control that. But then if you and your partner are solid and together, you’re gonna know how you respond to that, and sometimes the response is not doing anything, changing the topic, ending the engagement, and then when you’re back together in the car and you look over at each other and you say, “We did that so well together,” that’s the goal.
Christa Innis: A check-in of, like, we’re good. Yeah.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Mm-hmm.
Christa Innis: I love that. Because people are… I always say, like, people are gonna people. People will do- Yeah … what naturally comes to them, and Because it’s always one of those things too where, like, if they already have a rocky relationship, every little thing’s gonna start bugging you, right?
You’re gonna see that person. They’re gonna… The way they walk in your door, the way they step, the way they say something is gonna irritate you, right? And so I feel just checking in with your partner and just being like, There are certain things I feel like that are, you’re just gonna have to, have to maybe accept.
I don’t know. But,
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Relationships are hard and nuanced, and I, I agree with you. I see a lot of it online as well where a lot of people say, “This is a red flag. You need to leave this person. You need to end this friendship or cut them off,” and our life is not meant to be so all or nothing, and sometimes we do stay in contact with people because it means something to us, and only we get to decide that.
Other times you might decide to put some space in there because you’ve had so much conflict and there’s so much hurt that you need that time- Yeah … to work through some of this on your own, and only you and your partner can make that decision together. And if you are fighting each other against what’s best for each other, that’s when you need to reach out for help.
Red Flags, Relationship Myths & Internet Advice
Christa Innis: Yes. I love that. Okay. Let’s get into, the red light, green light section. So I’m gonna read a couple of things you just say, like, if it’s a red light or green light, in your opinion. and then of course, like, a lot of these are very nuanced like you said before. It’s just like- Of
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: course
Christa Innis: there’s so much more to it. But- Let’s
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: have fun …
Christa Innis: in general. Okay. Your mother-in-law has a key to your house
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Red light. No, no one should have a I’m gonna have a hard time only answering just, no one should have the key to your house. Only the person who’s your emergency contact that absolutely needs to get into it.
That, that trusted friend down the street in case you lock yourself out. No to your mother-in-law. Go ahead.
Christa Innis: Um, holidays are always spent with one side of the family
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: That would be red light. I mean, that really depends. that’s a tough one to balance.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Um, your partner says, “That’s just my mom.”
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Mm, red light. Red light means stop. We’re saying, like, no- Yes … right? Like- Yeah … okay, good.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Yeah, you got it.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: that is probably the worst statement that you could say to your partner.
It is so dismissive, and you don’t need to say, “That’s just my mom.” Instead, you can say something like, um, ” I can see that really bothered you. What could we do next time together?”
Christa Innis: Love that. Texting instead of talking through serious issues
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Depends. Depends on your attachment style, depends on your ways that you approach conflict.
If you absolutely cannot have a conversation with this person, I’m thinking of someone who engages in, DARVO, who’s more of someone who flips the script, who then takes everything you say, makes them the victim, and then blames it back on you. Mm. That’s not a person you are going to be having this conversation with.
So if you need to set some boundaries, know that you should not be sending them this big, long text with a lot to interpret in it. That’s just not gonna go anywhere. Mm. But if you’re setting a boundary saying, “Unfortunately, this holiday we will not be joining you. I know this is really hard. We look forward to the next time we’re together,” that’s okay by text if this person usually flips things back on you.
Christa Innis: Ooh, that’s a great
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: point. Otherwise, yeah, otherwise, you know, we often know that things are better when you can hear voices, you can hear tone, you can add more into it.
Christa Innis: That is such a great point. ‘Cause yes, there are plenty of stories where it’s like, “Oh, well, I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that,” or, “You never told me a boundary.”
And so I feel like- Yeah … that’s a really good point of like knowing your audience of like do you need actual like firm something to say where it’s you have an actual screenshot of like, “This is what I said.” Um, that’s great. Um, checking your partner’s location without telling them
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: That depends on the structure in your relationship. my husband and I have our location shared all the time, and sometimes I’m like, “Is he at home right now? I wanna ask if he can put the thing in the fridge that I left on the counter.” Right. So I’ll check his location. Yeah. So I think the answer to that is what’s the motivation behind, what function is- Right
checking your partner’s location serving you?
Christa Innis: Yes. Yes. Um, thinking love should always be easy
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Hmm. That’s a red one.
Christa Innis: Yeah. That, that goes back
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: to- Lo- love- …
Christa Innis: excuse me … love.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Yeah, love is hard. I also say love is conditional. Mm-hmm. There are conditions that you have in your relationship, which is about being respected, around care and trust and honesty and vulnerability, a willingness to try something and to try it again even though it doesn’t go right the first time.
That is conditional, and it also takes a lot of work.
Christa Innis: Yes, definitely goes back to what you were saying about that black or white kind of world where we just wanna so quickly be like, “Oh, it’s, it’s hard. That means it’s not right. let’s walk.” Or, and it’s like no one’s perfect. You have to walk through kinda those murky waters together.
at least that’s how I kinda see it, you know, when I read these stories in my own life. okay. Uh, last one. Looking through your partner’s phone if you have a feeling.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Hmm. Oh, that’s a red one. And that one then also makes me wonder, is there a history in there? What’s the context?
What’s the feeling about? Has something happened before where trust has been broken? That one is sticky. I will say, though, that your phones, why do they need to be secret from each other? Is there anything on your phone that you are afraid that your partner will see? And then that actually is a deeper conversation that you need to be having.
Mm-hmm. So you know, there’s a difference between something that’s private and also something that’s more secret.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Yeah, I was gonna say, I feel like it’s more of a red flag to me, like, I’m not allowed to ever touch his phone or she can’t pick up my phone ’cause, like, I’ve seen that before too where it’s like, oh, we’re forbidden from, like-
each other’s things, and it’s like… I feel like if you live in the same house, it’s just… I don’t know. It’s personal, but it’s, like, not at the same time if it’s a trusting relationship. okay. So like I mentioned before we started recording, we’re gonna do instead of one long story, we’re gonna do two shorter ones.
and typically I read it, and we kind of will pause, or if you have something you wanna add as I read too, we can stop anytime and here we go. Can you hear me okay?
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Good.
The Controlling Mother-in-Law
Christa Innis: Cool. Here we go. So my now fiancé and I have known each other for years. We dated briefly in the past, but I was a young single mom at the time and wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment.
When we reconnected later on, we kept our relationship private for about a year because my family was dealing with my divorce. During that time, his mom would make comments about us getting married even though she didn’t know how long we had actually been together. She would bring up things like adding items to our wedding registry for our future home and make snide remarks constantly, and honestly, she still does.
When I finally felt comfortable introducing my children, she started making comments about them as well. My middle daughter is more antisocial, and we recently found out she’s on the spectrum, high-functioning, but explains a lot of her personality traits. Whenever we talk about food, my mother-in-law would compare my daughter’s eating habits to her other granddaughter, saying things like, “Well, she eats everything.
She explores new foods and tries everything,” basically making my daughter seem picky in comparison When we announced, first announced our engagement, my best friend wanted to throw us an engagement party. My immediate family isn’t really involved in my life for reasons beyond my control, so I knew they wouldn’t be there, but I still wanted his family to be.
We gave them plenty of notice since they live out of state, and they knew how important it was. As the date got closer though, they received a last-minute invitation to go to Hawaii, and of course the dates overlapped. Instead of choosing, they called us to coordinate when they could attend the party because they were planning to fly out immediately after so they wouldn’t miss their vacation.
At that point, I was already upset knowing my own family wouldn’t be there. Out of frustration, I told my fiance not to worry about it, but he didn’t pick up my tone and thought I was being serious. So he told his mom just not to come. That same night, I ended up canceling the engagement party because I felt like it was important for both families to be there.
Hmm. Now I’ve realized that it’s not about what everyone else needs, it’s about what my fiance and I want. It’s our wedding and our celebration. My friend is now planning a new engagement party for us on a different date. His mom has already booked flights, but she made a point to say that if we cancel again, we need to let them know immediately.
We are not canceling this time, but honestly I was taken aback that she would even assume I would. Another thing that really gets me is she constantly corrects me. Every time I refer to my maid of honor, who is my best friend and basically my sister, she jumps in to correct me and says matron of honor because she’s married.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: It’s going to be a long 18 months. Okay. So that’s, the whole story. So what do you think about this, dynamic here? We don’t get to hear much about her partner and what the relationship is like between her fiancé, soon-to-be husband, and his mom. Mm-hmm. So when it comes to this dynamic, I always want people to think about the triangle.
You end up being in a triangle, and there are multiple relationships at play. You have the mother-son relationship. You have the future mother-in-law, future daughter-in-law relationship. You have the relationship between the couple, and then you have the relationship between the couple with the mother-in-law.
Yeah. And that’s complex. That’s a lot in there. Of course, when I shared the six types of mothers-in-law in my book, these are not a diagnoses. Instead, they’re a way of understanding a pattern of behavior because when we can understand a pattern, and I’m using my hands to kind of u- like, like a box almost, then we know who we’re interacting with.
Christa Innis: Mm.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: And relationship awareness really is about who am I and who am I communicating with? So when I was hearing some of these behaviors, I was speculating, hmm, might this be a controller mother-in-law? And the controller always knows best. Mm-hmm. She will be the one who says, “This is how the family holiday is, and no, you can’t bring a different dish from your tradition.
We always do it this way. We always celebrate it on this day, and this is just how we do it.” So you start to see kind of the ways in which this is showing up for this person around, the correction of the matron of honor, around the, um, wanting to put items on the registry already. So it’s interesting because then I think of some of the toxic family dynamics that I outline in the second chapter because, of course, there’s a system that was in play already before you joined this family.
Christa Innis: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: And I think we need to remember that. Daughters-in-law have to remember that you are joining a family that everybody already had moves and positions. Yeah. And so it sounds like, in some ways, that family, there is maybe a sense of rigidity, of we do things this way. We wanna go on a trip, so we’re only thinking about us, and this is what we’ll do, and we’re gonna immediately leave after.
Christa Innis: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: And I share that because I think a lot of times we within ourselves, so now we look at ourselves as the future daughter-in-law or the daughter-in-law, and we have to then ask, “What did I hope for in this relationship, and how am I showing up in this? What do I want and need, and what is or is not possible?”
Because if you continue to go to a mother-in-law who is constantly rejecting and minimizing, but you hope that she will be soft and nurturing and the mother that maybe you always wanted, and you keep getting met with that, that’s just gonna leave you feeling exhausted, resentful, hurt, sad. And so what’s important then is be honest with yourself about who the other person is.
Not to judge them, not to blame them or to say, “I will never interact with you,” but in a way so like this person’s shared, do things for you. This is your marriage. This is your family. How do you want it to look for you, your partner, and your children all together? And then start looking at those boundaries.
So those food comments, you’re either going to dismiss them in the moment and say, “We don’t talk about food like that,” or later you go to your child and ask, “How did it feel when she said that? What did you think about that? Well, here’s what I want you to know. You don’t have to compare y- the way you eat food to somebody else.
We’re all different.” And so the repairing comes between you and your child, and not the attempt to control the mother-in-law.
Christa Innis: I love that.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Those were the big, big things that stood out for me.
Christa Innis: Yeah. No, I love that, ’cause that’s then teaching them that, like especially the daughter, there’s gonna be other people that come in and maybe make comments about it, but it’s gonna be like-
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: 100%
Christa Innis: no sweat off my back. You know, just let it roll off. I love that.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: This is one of the tricky things, too, because we have so much more awareness today as parents, and we are parenting so differently, is that then we create almost these safeguards around us. Don’t ask my child about food. Don’t comment on their clothes.
Don’t do this. And we’re almost asking a completely different generation to do things the way we do them. And in some cases, you absolutely do need to, in terms of safety. If, for example, grandma is not cutting up the grapes and passing a full grape to a two, three-year-old, four-year-old. I will cut my kids’ grapes until they go to college, by the way.
Christa Innis: Yes. Yeah, same.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: So, you know, in that case, you have to jump in and say, “Oh, we can’t give a full grape. I’m cutting it in half. Next time you have to cut it in half or you’re not doing mealtimes with us.” Right? Like, that’s a safety issue. Otherwise, there are other things where you can step in, use your voice for your child, knowing that you’re not gonna change this other generation.
You can give feedback depending on who that person is, but they might just flip it around and make you out to be the bad one again.
Christa Innis: Yes. No, that’s, great advice because I think, too, it complicates it when, um… ‘Cause I’ve heard similar situations where she comes in and, like, it shows like, oh, she’s a mother herself.
Or she has children, so she kind of com- so the mother-in-law comes in being like, “Well, I have to show her that I know better,” because y- kind of like what you said, because, you know, I’ve been a mother longer. I’m his mother. You know? The
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: insecurity shows up. Mm-hmm.
Christa Innis: Yes. Like, oh, she does it that way. She doesn’t make her daughter eat these foods that I maybe made, you know?
that different generational thing, of course. So- Mm-hmm … that, that’s great advice. Okay, let’s get to this last story here. Um, we just started wedding planning and working on the guest list. We wanted to make sure we weren’t missing anything, so we went over to his parents’ house to go through it together.
For context, they’re contributing basically nothing financially, while my dad is giving us $12,000. So we start reviewing the list, and his mom, let’s call her Georgia, immediately starts crying and complaining. We’re really close with his dad’s side of the family. We visit each other, spend holidays together, and actually have a really great relationship with them.
Meanwhile, we’ve been together for five years, and I’ve never even met Georgia’s nieces or nephews. My fiance, let’s call him August, hasn’t spoken to them in at least five years, but Georgia insists you have to invite their kids. I said, “I haven’t even met them. They don’t come around, and August hasn’t talked to them in years.
They’re not invited.” She starts crying harder and says, “Well, whatever you do for his dad’s side, you have to do for mine or people will be upset.” And I told her, “No matter what we do, someone is going to be upset. I’m not inviting people who aren’t actually part of our lives. It’s not our fault we’re close with some members and not others.
Your side doesn’t show up for even family Christmas.” At that point, she completely loses it, full-on sobbing, and starts texting August’s older brother and his wife to complain about us and our decisions while I’m sitting- Oh … right there. And then she just ends with, “Ugh, absolutely not. I didn’t know what else to do.”
So that kind of ends on a cliffhanger ’cause I think she’s, like, looking for some, advice, and this is a very common scenario, unfortunately, that I see, the seating chart. I just read a story yesterday about a similar situation where the mother-in-law saw the seating chart and threw a fit, said, “If I don’t get moved, I’m not coming to the wedding.”
this all-
Wedding Ultimatums & Holding Your Boundary
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Isn’t that awful? Yeah … this is not what a wedding is about. A wedding is about two people joining and coming together, and when they are sitting at the table looking at the room and all of those people are there to support them, it’s about the couple and launching them into this next season in their life.
Mm. And yet, again, we’re tapping into the expectations, these long-standing expectations that parents have of their adult child, and then their desires and wishes and their needs within the family system that they live in. Mm. In the sense that, and you hear what Georgia says, “Well, what will people think if we don’t invite so-and-so?”
I have heard that so many times. Yeah. And, it is a generational difference of we don’t care what people think. we are not going to have a 500-person wedding because we can’t afford that, and we don’t wanna be in debt forever, and, and, and, we don’t even see cousin Sarah who’s twice removed and never shows up.
So I think … Okay, I’m gonna come back to the mother-in-law types because this sounds like the martyr. And the martyr mother-in-law gives and gives and gives, and then wonders why she’s not appreciated, and there’s lots of tears, and then there’s also kind of roping in other people, … And maybe there’s a bit of the victim flavor, too.
They’re both considered internalizers. I’m using quotation marks. and again, these are not diagnoses. These are patterns of behavior that I’ve seen throughout my clinical work. And it’s really difficult because the sobbing and the escalation from Georgia is the guilt that she’s trying to put on her son.
And again, we don’t hear anything of what August has said or done. Right. But August would have to be able to stand on his two feet and say, “Mom, you’re allowed to be upset, and this is our wedding, and we’re going to do it our way.” Here’s something that I really want people listening to understand.
It has to come from the adult child to that parent. It has to come from your fiance, your husband-to-be, to his mom, because that’s the weight. When it comes from … And not everyone will agree with that, and not everyone needs to do it that way. If you have a mother-in-law who respects you, who cares for you, who wants to know you and spend time with you, never meddles in the middle of your marriage, those are the relationships where you might be able to say to her, “Hey, that doesn’t feel good.
We’re going to do it this way. Christmas this way. This year is going to look like this.” Just as an example. Yeah. But oftentimes it’s men who need to go to their mothers and say, “Mom, that’s not how we’re going to do it.” So I wanna reflect something else here, because what she does is they’re trying to explain the boundary.
Do you catch that?
Christa Innis: Mm-hmm. “
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Well, we never see the cousin. I’ve never met the cousin. Well, then we’re gonna have this big wedding.” And that right there is where you completely lose … it’s you, um, it’s almost like you bo- y- What, what is it? It’s like, um, there’s a children’s book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, they’ll ask for a glass of milk.
Yes, the game’s gone. And then you give them … Right? And so you give one piece, and then it’s another, and then you give another, and they up the ante, and you give another, and it’s another one. It’s like you’re snowballing down the hill instead of saying, “Oh, Georgia, this is really hard for you, and this is what we’re deciding that is best for our family.”
And that right there is so uncomfortable to do. So if you are in that situation where you’re having to express something like that, practice what it sounds like between you and your partner or with yourself in front of the mirror, being able to first reflect the feeling or even reflect the positive part.
“Oh, Georgia, you love the idea of having all your family together. That’s really special.” And then you set the boundary, which is, “We’re going to be deciding who is coming, and I know that’s hard. It’s not open for debate.” I wanna also touch on one piece there, because I know sometimes the issue of who’s giving money comes up.
Christa Innis: Yeah.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: I talk about this as an example in the book. W- if someone is giving you money as a gift, that doesn’t mean they get to tell you who they’re inviting to the wedding. And before accepting money, you as a couple need to decide, are you giving this to us as a gift, or are you giving it to us because you want to have a say in how things are going?
Christa Innis: And then you get to decide what happens next from there.
I love that you said that, ’cause yes, that is so common. Uh, people are like, you know, they’re paying for the food or something, so then they changed up the food, and they do this. And I’m like, before accepting anything, make sure it actually is a gift and they’re not dangling a string over you to be like, “This is what we want.”
’cause you see that a lot of times, you know? If they… Or they already have- Yes … a rocky dynamic between them, and then they’re offering to pay, and I’m like, do they have your best interest? You know, if you’re already kinda rocky, maybe don’t accept. ’cause yeah, I think, too, that generational thing of like, if we’re giving money, we’re paying for this wedding, it’s our party.
We can control the guest list. We can control the food. And and I think, like you said, it’s, kinda changing where we’re like, we don’t care that Susan that you grew up with that I haven’t seen in 20 years is gonna be at the wedding. It doesn’t matter to me, whereas they- Mm … used to invite, you know, everybody they knew.
So, that’s such a great point. So then what would you do in the next step? So as, like I was saying, I read a similar story where then the mother-in-law was kind of like, they were firm with their boundaries, but they did do kinda like the little pieces, too, of like, “Well, we can move it this way, but I can’t move it that way.”
And the mother-in-law was like, “No, it has to be this exact way I want it, or else I’m not coming.” So to that extreme, do you just again set it and be like, “Well, if she doesn’t come, then she misses out. That’s on her”? How do you kinda do that?
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Ugh. At what point do you stand up to her threats? Because it won’t stop at the wedding.
Christa Innis: Right.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: It’ll continue further, and so then I think of where are these points of conflict and tension that erupt in families for couples? The engagement, the wedding, having a child, moving into a home. These are all those moments. And so if it’s not the wedding that you hold your boundary, what then? The baby?
The second baby? When? And so you reflecting back then, “That would be incredibly unfortunate, Mom. We love you. We want you there, and we understand that that’s not exactly how you wanted it to go. We still hope to see you on that day.” And again, the question you have to ask yourself is, when I can’t control other people, how much am I willing to shrink myself to be the version of me that they want me to be?
and the thing is, especially as a daughter-in-law, every story looks for a villain, and unfortunately, the daughter-in-law tends to be the villain. And part of this work is being able to be so okay with yourself that you no longer have to try to get family to approve you, to like you, when they do not want to truly know who you are That’s uncomfortable
Christa Innis: Yeah. I feel like so many of my listeners can benefit from hearing that because a lot of these stories are just, you know, the isolation of like, ” I want them to like me,” but, you know, It kind of goes back to what you said about if you give a mouse a cookie or if you give them an inch, they take a mile.
It’s about being really confident in who you are, confident in your relationship, and kind of letting the pieces fall where they may for some of it, I guess. But yeah. True.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: It’s so painful though to think that his mother, his own mother would not show up because she’s so upset about that. But to recognize that moment for what it is, she’s having a tantrum.
She has no other strategies or skills. Nobody taught this woman what to do in that moment, so she’s still in this childlike state. She doesn’t know how to regulate or to express a desire and to hold the discomfort- Mm … and so she threatens, she controls, she withdraws love. And it’s not our job to have to then bring our parents along and do all of the re-parenting work for them.
We have to do it for ourselves. And so then again, holding in that moment of saying, ” I hope you’ll rethink that, and really hope that we’ll see you there.”
Christa Innis: Like,
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: that could be the moment where they have to change. Maybe not in that moment. Maybe she gets upset. Maybe she throws something. You know, you end the interaction, and then hopefully she makes a wise choice.
Christa Innis: Yeah. I love that. It’s like not feeding the fire, just kind of-
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Yep …
Christa Innis: setting your boundary. And then they can live with the regret, or they can come and, carry on with that. Awesome. Well, that was amazing. Those were such great points. Like I said, we get so many stories related to that, similar to that, and I feel like there’s so many people that write in that are just like stuck, and they’re like, “What do we do to move forward?”
Um, so where can people find your book? tell us all the details about it, and then anything, like, fun you’re working on. where can people find your content as well?
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Absolutely. I love when people come into my DMs over on Instagram and say hello, or on TikTok. I’m mostly on Instagram. drtracyd is my handle on all socials.
So come say hello. Let me know what you needed to hear from today’s conversation, and then all of my resources are available on my website, drtracyd.com. I always say to couples, “Don’t wait. Get support now,” because if you’re feeling a little bit stuck, it just means you need some tools to get through that, and a resource like book, or you can work with me through coaching, we can do that together.
So then you get through the wedding, you get through the next season of life feeling connected and close. I just think that’s so important. So- I love it … working with couples is what thrills, is what fills me up.
Christa Innis: Amazing. And yes, and where is your book available?
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Mm. Anywhere you buy books and on all formats.
I know a lot of people have bought the audiobook. It’s available on your e-book format, whatever that is, and then also the hardcover. And there’s so many exercises in there. I’ve had a few people tell me that they didn’t need to use it in the context of their in-laws, but instead went through the whole system just to have a marriage minute- Yeah
and to recalibrate where they were in terms of their values and what matters to them. And in step two, there’s a list, I can’t even remember how many questions, that I didn’t even have before we got married, and I wish every couple would have th- this list of questions.
Christa Innis: Yeah, I love that, ’cause I feel we hear it all the time, but it’s like so many people focus on the wedding, the wedding day, and the glamour of it, and the photos, and spending that money, but they don’t think about the marriage, like
your lifelong commitment. and so tools like this I feel like are so important, so this is amazing. And thank you again for coming on. It was so nice to officially meet you, and I feel like I learned a ton and I hope my audience did too.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: Thank you, Christa.