My new book Here Comes the Drama: A Ferris and Sloan Story is live!
“You’re just the mother of his child.”
That one sentence cut deeper than any legal document could fix. When a tragic motorcycle accident left her partner in a coma, our storyteller learned the hard way what “not being married” really meant. What followed? A secret wedding, a livid mother-in-law, and a decades-long family rift and guest Kate Gray dissect this jaw-dropping submission with raw empathy, real questions, and a heavy dose of “WHAT just happened?” They unpack what happens when legal ties or the lack of them collide with family loyalty and personal boundaries.
Also in this episode: ruined wedding invites, Karen-level MIL energy, and the emotional weight of doing what’s best for your own future even if it means letting go of your past. If you’ve ever doubted whether the legal stuff really matters, this story will have you rethinking everything.
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Episode Chapter Markers
00:00 Introduction
01:11 Discussing Complicated Family Dynamics
01:51 Guest’s Professional Background
02:32 Marriage and Family Therapy Insights
08:00 Wedding Planning Stress and Family Dynamics
17:11 Rapid Fire: Red Flags or Normal Stress?
36:45 Navigating Family Boundaries
37:36 Story Submission: A Life-Changing Accident
40:42 The Aftermath and Family Dynamics
49:59 Reflections on Marriage and Family
54:58 Confessions and Regrets
Must-Hear Insights and Key Moments
- Life-Changing Crash – A traumatic brain injury left her partner in a coma… and her completely powerless.
- Locked Out of the ICU – Despite living together and raising a child, she was denied access to his medical care by his own mother.
- Secret Wedding Surprise – They threw a barbecue that turned into a surprise wedding… and the MIL didn’t know until the cake rolled out.
- Family Fallout – What followed was over a decade of strained family dynamics, emotional boundaries, and financial detangling.
- Power of Legal Ties – Kate and Christa explore how love, legality, and next-of-kin status affect real lives in unexpected emergencies.
- Enmeshment & Control – What happens when parents can’t emotionally separate from their adult children?
- Boundaries vs Protection – Should you tell your partner everything—even when it might hurt them?
- MIL Chaos Strikes Again – Christa shares the viral story of a MIL destroying wedding invites out of spite.
Words of Wisdom: Standout Quotes from This Episode
- “The wedding is kind of the test… the precursor to the marriage.” – Christa Innis
- “You’re starting your own family—and you have to get in the habit of making decisions for that family.” – Christa Innis
- “This is your moment. You can be a little selfish.” – Christa Innis
- “You never think about what happens in a tragedy… until you’re in one.” – Christa Innis
- “Do what you want. Everyone else will get over it.” – Christa Innis
- “Marriage means someone else is making huge decisions about your health—this stuff matters.” – Kate Gray
- “You can have boundaries as adults. You don’t have to be terrorized in your own home.” – Kate Gray
- “It’s wild how many of these stories come down to family systems and emotional enmeshment.” – Kate Gray
- “People are shocked to find out these things have names—and that they’re not alone.” – Kate Gray
- “When it comes to relationships, there isn’t always one truth—but there is one choice: yours.” – Kate Gray
About Kate:
Kate Gray, better known online as Codependency Kate, is a couples therapist, married mom, and refreshingly real voice on all things relationships. With a deep understanding of family systems, emotional boundaries, and the unspoken chaos behind “normal” wedding and marriage dynamics, Kate offers the kind of education you wish someone had given you sooner. Her mission? To help you stop blaming yourself and start understanding the why behind your relationship struggles. Kate doesn’t just talk theory, she gets into the messy, emotional, behind-the-scenes stuff that can make or break partnerships, especially when family dynamics, trauma, or toxic in-laws get involved. Her content bridges the gap between formal therapy and real-life application, empowering listeners with language, tools, and clarity to protect what matters most.
Follow Kate Gray:
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A Team Dklutr Production
Blog Transcript:
Note: We use AI transcription so there may be some inaccuracies
Christa Innis: Hi Kate. Thank you for being here. Hi, nice to see you. I’m so excited to be here. Thanks for having me. Yes, I’m so excited. Like I was saying before we started recording, you came up on my feed strolling and you were talking about difficult relationships with mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws. And you talk about so many complicated relationships in marriage and family.
And so that’s why I thought you are perfect to come on because we see a lot of these issues, I should say, I dunno if that’s the right term, but come up in these stories that we read. And so I thought from a professional standpoint and we can kind of, you know, chat about other stuff as well. But um, before I get too into my fangirling and being really excited about your work, can you just tell us a little bit more about yourself and what you do?
Kate Gray: Yes, so I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I also make content under the handle codependency, Kate. Um, I’m so passionate about education. Like you said, there’s, these are huge issues and people don’t really talk about them except venting to their friends. You know, people don’t really understand the background behind things.
Family Drama Starts with “I Do”
And when I was in school to be a therapist, I was learning all this stuff. I was like, oh my gosh, everyone needs to know this. Why am I. Learning this now, this is so important. And so that’s when I started posting on social media, was in grad school to purely educate. And it’s just kind of turned into a thing, especially around, um, estrangement specifically, um, just because there’s so many, there’s so much stuff happening between marriages and in-laws.
It’s so complicated and complex and no one knows what to do. And so I just try to zoom out and educate people on family systems theory and dynamics so that they can be more informed, take this information to their friends and family, to their own relationships. Obviously parallel to a, um, you know, going to a therapist themselves.
But, uh, yeah, so that’s what I just try to do with the platform that I have.
Christa Innis: Yeah. No, I think that’s so good because like I was saying, in so many of these stories, it’s like. Something might happen completely outta left field. Like the husband could have a great relationship with his mom, great relationship with his fiance, and the second, you know, they get engaged or get married, there’s a flip.
Yes. Um, and so I think a lot of times people don’t know to prepare for that or like how to prepare for that. So is this something that you see a lot in your work where there it’s just kind of like, um, or you’ve studied a lot in your work where it’s like there’s a, there’s a switch because it’s a dyna, like a power shift and it’s like, oh, he has a new family.
Like where does that come from? Sometimes,
Kate Gray: yeah, it’s tough. It’s, you know, every situation is different, but it’s also not, you know, there’s definitely themes at play. Um, you know. What I have seen in my work with clients. So, ’cause it’s different, my work with clients and then a lot of stories I hear online, you know, there’s very different audiences here, but I’ve definitely seen this a lot.
I think what happens is, yes, there is a different, a totally different dynamic at play. I think what happens is an outsider coming in, it kind of reveals existing dysfunction or existing, um, power imbalances. Just very complex, complex, nuanced things that have existed for a long time. It’s all people in this dynamic know, like say the, a new husband and his mom, they’ve been in this dynamic, you know, his whole life.
He, it’s all he’s known, but then his wife comes into the picture and it kind of challenges that relationship and it shouldn’t, in healthy families, it doesn’t. It’s a, you know, a new daughter-in-law, for example, is a welcome addition. There’s the things are already set up to be successful, but in it’s, again, in these dysfunctional dynamics when things go awry, when a new person’s introduced.
Christa Innis: Yeah. And I find, and not to like, I don’t know, if not oversimplify as a thing, but not, or not to group some, I should say. Right. I find a lot of times in the stories, I feel like the husband or the partner, the male partner I should say, in heterosexual relationships. Yeah. Seems to be very, um, I don’t wanna say docile, but he seems to be like passive.
Yeah. Like more passive. Like, we don’t hear a lot of him in the story. It’s more of like, he’s go with the flow. And so like, I think it’s. He grows up, he’s good with the flow, he pleases, you know, he is good to his parents. And then if there’s someone in comes in and she’s maybe a little more strong headed or she’s not afraid to like stand up for herself, I find that’s when there’s usually like a.
Some that’s, there’s buffer contention. Yeah. Yeah.
Kate Gray: Uhhuh, are you saying, um, between her and his family or, yes.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Or like, yeah, if like, the mom’s kinda used to, you know, the son being very like, go with the flow and, um, I just find a kind common theme, like when I have people on here and we react to these stories, they’re like, where’s the partner?
Where’s the fiance? You know, you hear like, this bride rides in and she’s like, this happened, or like, the mother-in-law cornered me or she yelled at me and they’re like, where’s the fiance?
Kate Gray: And it’s kind of no position. And that is the question that is the question I asked too. Because he’s not necessarily in the middle, but he is the link between her and his family.
She, you know, I did a video where I drew this kind of in a, not a di, like a, it’s called a genogram, where you just kind of draw it and she, there’s the parents up top, the son below them, and then she’s to the side of him. You know, like she’s not another child of his parents and they’re not totally separate and she, you know, so roles are very important.
The concept of roles. And that is the question is what is the fiance doing here? What is this dynamic? There’s a lot of reasons, you know, if you go a little deeper, there’s a lot of reasons why he’s that way, and that’s kind of the dynamic shift that has to happen. He has to step into a, a different role and that I, I guess, you know, a lot of men I think don’t talk about that.
General. Mm-hmm. So they just kind of are overwhelmed by these, these women, these strong-willed women. And, um, women can get a really bad rap when the real core issue is a more passive fiance in that role.
Christa Innis: Mm-hmm. Yeah, definitely makes sense. So one of the biggest things we were talking about in wedding stories is like the overbearing mother-in-law, or, you know, and, and it’s funny ’cause a number of times I’ll say like, it’s a mother-in-law, people immediately are like, well the bride’s mom is, you know, can be this way too.
And I’m like, well, mother-in-law could be either the groom or the bride’s mom. It’s just Oh yeah. Whoever’s perspective uhhuh. But so many times people hear mother-in-law and they just assume, oh, it’s the groom’s mom. Um, but I always like to like reiterate that. Yeah. So why do you think things like a planning a wedding, I’m sure it’s like high stress levels, but
Kate Gray: Yeah.
Christa Innis: Bring out this controlling or kind of boundary pushing behavior on, on the mother’s part or parents’ part.
Kate Gray: Yeah. Well I think what I have seen recently is there is there are very big generational differences in the concepts of weddings. Um, I think in the past, mothers in-law and, you know, grandmothers have planned the whole thing or, or they’ve waited their whole lives to do this for their child.
And the daughter, for example, hasn’t been very involved. Everything’s just been picked for her and it’s just done for her. Mm-hmm. Whereas now I think brides wanna be the bride. They wanna make those decisions and for her parents to, um, not just be more in the passenger seat or the backseat and her not be in the passenger seat or backseat.
So I think that’s one part of it. Um. And I think another part of it is that people have this idea of wedding planning being an amazing thing, and it’s so much fun and it brings everyone together. It brings out the best in everyone, and that it’s just not, it’s just not the case. It’s not the case. It’s kind of one of the first big family events that happens after, you know, high school graduation, college, you know, graduation or big family events.
So it can just bring out everybody’s stress responses. And people I don’t think are prepared for that. There’s a lot of management. There’s also. It’s a new stage for the fiances to come together on. That should be the point is to, this is kind of their first endeavor together where they’re managing all these things because the, the development stage that they are in as a couple from the family life cycle point of view is leaving and cleaving from their families of origin to come together.
So it’s this like detachment phase and I think that’s just really scary and unknown. There’s, there’s loss in it for parents. Mm-hmm. And so it’s just a whole thing that people don’t, aren’t
Christa Innis: prepared
Kate Gray: for.
Christa Innis: Right. And it’s so complicated. I’m sure you see it in your work all the time. ’cause it’s like definitely there’s nothing that’s black and white because Right.
I have heard stories where. Like the mother-in-law has cried over an engagement, but yes, maybe the partner really, really was terrible to their son or daughter. And so it’s just that that’s their reaction. So I wanna make people know too, like, it’s not, it’s not always the parent that they, they can see things too.
Like, okay, yeah, this person’s terrible to my son or daughter. And they’re scared.
Kate Gray: Yeah. And they’re
Christa Innis: scared. Yeah, absolutely. So, um, it’s definitely nuance. There’s so many different, um mm-hmm. Different aspects of that, but for couples that are maybe going through a difficult relationship with, you know, in-laws as they kind of move forward in the next stage, what, how did you recommend they set clear boundaries?
Um, you know, whether it’s before the wedding or kind of moving into their new life together so that there’s not like a total like blow up.
Kate Gray: It’s really tough, I think. The stuff is so hard for people to do on their own. They, I would really, I mean, I think therapists could have a whole like sector and there might even be one of like engagement counseling or like wedding planning counseling because it’s so stressful.
There’s so much to manage and it’s really easy for people’s stress responses and kind of lack of emotion regulation and, and all that stuff to come out. Mm-hmm. And there’s so much pressure and expectations and personalities to manage that. I think first of all, meeting, like having a therapist, having a third party that is separate from the family.
Like not necessarily a wedding planner ’cause they’re not qualified to be doing this stuff. But like, um, just I think being on the same page is the most important thing in this process, I think. ’cause from my experience too, people that have been married 10 years have trauma from their engagement and from their weddings with their in-laws, with their families.
Just with one partner. Not stepping up. Not stepping in, or one person doing too much. There’s, you know, it can be, it can magnify existing dynamic issues. And so getting married and, and having a wedding is not just about the wedding, it’s about starting a healthy dynamic. And, and kind of fixing things.
Maybe that, or just getting ahead of things that you don’t foresee, or just having someone guide you, I think is, takes a lot of pressure off figuring all of that out yourself, so, right.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Because I think a lot of couples see it as like, oh, it’s this big party, it’s gonna be easy. They don’t think about finances like putting together this big party where it’s like, yes, it’s not unlimited money, first of all.
Yeah. It’s like your first time maybe like putting money together for something big or uhhuh having people that are very opinionated from different sides coming together and, and that can be a stressor and mm-hmm. Yeah. Hearing a lot of these stories, I’m like, I feel so grateful that our families just got along well and like, I get along with my mother-in-law.
Great. And so it’s just, it’s, it’s difficult when, um. These relationships kind of come together and it’s like, okay, how do we make, you can’t make everybody happy, but how do we do the best at keeping, keeping as much peace as we can.
Kate Gray: Yeah.
Christa Innis: Um, yeah. And from, and from your, your perspective too, it’s like how much is keeping the peace too much like right.
Like when is it like, when are you bending over backwards
Kate Gray: too much? Exactly. Like when is it no longer about you? Mm-hmm. And I think that is what can be really sad in these situations is like. You know, if a bride, for example, is used to keeping the peace, but then for her wedding, she actually has all these ideas that she’s wanted and she’s used to caving.
And unfortunately, this is the one situation where like she’s shaking things up and it causes problems. You know, all her worst fears can come true in these situations. Um, so I am of the advocate of a wedding planner, a therapist, a you know, your bridesmaids, your groomsmen, everyone like supporting you, um, enlisting all the emotional support you can.
’cause it is just a, it’s really tough. It can, I won’t say like make or break something, but I think it’s just important to start off, you know, on a good foot with your in-laws and with your own family. ’cause it, you know. It can just set the tone for things. Yeah. Or it can be something to come back from.
And that’s just, that just sucks. That sucks. Oh, for sure.
Christa Innis: Yeah. If you have a bad wedding experience, it can carry with you forever. Mm-hmm. I mean, some of these stories that, that were sent to me happened 20, 30, some 40, 50 years ago.
Kate Gray: Yeah.
Christa Innis: On things. They’ll send me messages and be like, this happened. It was like, I don’t know, whatever.
It was like a cake was changed last minute and it was something that they couldn’t eat or, you know, whatever it was. Or flowers were changed or she was told she looked fat in her dress. You know, like there’s been so many crazy things that were sent to me and they’re like, I still remember it and I remember how I felt and, um.
Someone like, you know, if someone put them down. And so I feel like if you start on the, having that middle ground, like what you’re talking about, um, and it’s funny that you bring up wedding planner ’cause I had a wedding planner on once and she’s like, I feel like half the time I’m a therapist.
Kate Gray: Yeah.
Literally. She, she should go to school. No, actually that is, she’s a buffer. I mean, they are a buffer between, you know, and I, I think they’re really valuable ’cause they have to advocate, you know, their, their job is what the bride and groom want. And so I think they can be really healthy. A really healthy addition to the planning crew.
Um, yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh my gosh.
Red Flag or Just Wedding Stress?
Christa Innis: Okay. So I thought we would kind of switch things up a little bit. Yeah. Put together some rapid fire if you’re okay with this. Yeah. And it’s either a red, the options are red flag or normal stress. And if you wanna add a little bit to it, feel free. Okay. Um. Because I know, I don’t, I don’t wanna like put you in a corner or make you say something that you don’t wanna say either.
So, um, they’re just different like scenarios. And then just say if it’s a red flag or normal stress around what, okay. Okay. Okay. One partner says, let’s just do what my mom wants. It’s easier that way. Red flag. Red flag. Uh, the couple hasn’t had a single conversation about how they’ll split finances after the wedding.
Kate Gray: Ooh. Major red flag.
Christa Innis: Yeah. That’s tough. Yeah. I feel like that comes up a lot with stories too, where it’s like, this is the first big event and then sometimes they just, like, they expect their parents to pay for everything and then they go to the next stage and it’s like, but then I didn’t realize like.
This happened, or we can’t afford this, or they’ve never discussed it before.
Kate Gray: No, it’s tough because you’re, you’re expected, you’re, you have these huge decisions that like only 10 year married couples are like, have the foundation to make, and you’re making them immediately upon this huge commitment. So yeah.
That’s just tough. And so those conversations in general are so important. Yeah. Yes.
Christa Innis: Uh, okay. The bride’s mom says this wedding is as much mine as it is yours.
Kate Gray: Oh. I mean, I think that’s normal. I think that’s like, that comes up so much probably. Um, but yeah. Or for the bride, that’s, that’s sad. That’s a
Christa Innis: red flag.
Yeah. Um, one partner wants kids some someday the other doesn’t, but they say they’ll figure it out later.
Kate Gray: That’s a major red flag. That’s not, yeah.
Christa Innis: I see that happen so many times. Really, I’ve seen it. I, not a ton in stories, but I’ve just seen it like, um, stories like people posted like that, like either eventually one like changes their mind and then they, one wants kids when they both didn’t want kids before.
And I’m sure that just like sometimes happens, but I feel like that’s, like, that was like one of the biggest things my husband and I talked about before, getting married to make sure, yeah, of course,
Kate Gray: age. Well that’s a compatibility issue. Like that’s a fixed thing that, um, isn’t, you know, that’s not a dynamic issue, that’s a fixed thing and it can be just a symptom of something deeper.
But how, you know, the question is like, how do you resolve things that y’all are fixed on that are opposite? You know, like even religion, faith can be part of that too. Like that you’re fixed on these things.
Christa Innis: Mm-hmm. And
Kate Gray: you just think you’re gonna deal with it or it’s gonna get better. And that’s just, that’s, that’s definitely something to handle on the front end.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Yeah. Um, the groom refuses to go to premarital counseling, counseling and says it’s a waste of time.
Kate Gray: Um, that’s tough. I mean, I, me, I’m like, red flag, red flag, red flag. But I, I think that’s probably very normal. I don’t know. Yeah. I think not going, not being open to counseling is a very much a red flag.
Christa Innis: Yeah. And I mean, I feel like if they’re having, and you might know this better from your, your profession than Yeah. Me just, no, it’s okay. But if they’re having the kind of issues where counseling would come up before and then they, he brings it, she brings it up and he’s like, no, to jump in knowing they might need some kind of.
Kate Gray: Yeah,
Christa Innis: exactly.
Kate Gray: I mean, it’s like if y’all can talk about anything and you resolve problems, then like saying no to counseling is like, okay. I mean, ’cause we don’t need it to solve problems, but if it’s just like, no, because I don’t wanna talk about anything and I don’t want outside guidance, that’s, that’s the red flag of it.
Christa Innis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The couple always avoids hard conversations by joking or changing the subject.
Kate Gray: Um, see, these are tough because that seems so, I’ve just, that’s so normal. I think for early on in relationships, people don’t really know how to deal with stuff. So I think that’s normal. I think that that is definitely gonna come out in their marriage, that’s gonna be magnified by it.
But um, yeah, that’s not an, an unfixable issue that I would say that’s very normal, but it’s definitely not good. Yeah.
Christa Innis: Yeah. I feel like you can. Only joke so long before, like, something’s gonna be hard, like curious. And you have, well,
Kate Gray: there, there’s something called, um, I mean, just to be all nerdy real quick, there’s something called pseudo hostility, like fake hostility.
It’s like, that’s what you’re talking about, like the joking.
Christa Innis: Yeah.
Kate Gray: And it is an indicator of like suppressed emotion and an inability to really resolve conflict and be vulnerable. Okay. So it’s like a really unhealthy dynamic and or like, um, behavior in general and it’s found in families. That’s where the term came from.
But, so it can be, it’s joking about real problems as an indicator of that, but again, it’s, it’s something that’s very fixable with a therapist or with just, you know, this podcast.
Christa Innis: So yeah, just chatting about it. Yeah, because I feel like I’ve known people before that are just very, like, that’s like their personality is like the comic relief.
So it’s like even when things are like serious, they like wanna throw a little like. Comic in there.
Kate Gray: Yeah. And that’s how comedians are born. Yeah. I
Christa Innis: I feel like that’s a lot of, like, when you hear like deeper stories about comedians, it’s like a lot of times they just have to laugh to get through things,
Kate Gray: literally.
Yeah. And that’s, I mean, it’s not an unhealthy thing when you can do that. But if you only can do that and you can’t be vulnerable and you can’t talk about your feelings and you can’t receive criticism, for example, then that’s when it becomes an issue. And that’s when that term applies. It’s not just about joking and being funny, um, or even lightening the mood sometimes.
But if you can only do that when it’s tense, you know, you think about. People that like bust out laughing at like funerals and stuff. Like, it’s like there’s response. Yeah. It’s like, um, is that how, you know? It’s just those things just invite curiosity. It’s not to like pathologize people or to say, you know, if you do this, there’s something wrong with you.
It’s just an indicator of like, something to be curious about if you’re having issues in relationships or, or if, if this is a, a pattern for you.
Christa Innis: Interesting. Wow. I’m, I’m learning so much. Oh, okay. Um, a partner deletes texts from a parent they know that the other wouldn’t approve of, oh
Kate Gray: man, this is, these are so hard.
’cause they seem very normal. ’cause it sounds the person would be trying to protect their partner. I think people do this with good intention, but at the same time, I think that’s not a good habit to get into. In a marriage. So that’s a red flag.
Christa Innis: Yeah. ’cause for someone like that, like if someone’s deleting texts, that means in some way they’re, and you can’t control the other, what the parent does, but in some way they’re allowing them to talk negatively about their partner.
Right. Right. Or they’re not setting us clear boundary of like, Hey, if you talked that way, we’re, we’re done. Yeah. Or we’re gonna limit.
Kate Gray: Yeah. No, a hundred percent. That’s right. But I also, on the other side of the spectrum, I have, in my experience with people, there’s been way too much transparency and this, their partner is like scarred for life by what the parents said.
Yeah. So there is like. Transparency isn’t necessarily, you know, there it, there’s nuance here. It just depends on what they’re saying, you know, like mm-hmm. Um, but yeah, I think the general, like the habit of deleting texts is sketchy and is definitely a red flag. Mm-hmm. In a relationship in general.
Christa Innis: Yeah.
That’s interesting. Yeah. You say that because Yeah, I know. I’m thinking about that now because, um, there was a story that a girl sent me, and this was not about a mean text necessarily, and actually podcast and she talked about it, but Oh, mother-in-law, um, yeah, she was anonymous. She turned the camera off.
Uh, so we reacted to her story and then she was like, maybe we’ll have a part two because I’m going dress shopping with her. And so I had her come on and kind of share what happened, but basically she was demanding to know the location of their wedding venue, and this was like. Far from where they lived.
They haven’t actually seen it personally yet. She’s like, well, I just wanna drive by and go see it. And they’re like, it’s a private property, you can’t. And she’s like, we sent you the location so you can kinda see pictures. And she goes, well, I delete texts. And she like went to this whole thing about how like, I delete texts, just tell me the address so I can show up and go.
And she kept pushing, pushing. It was like a long, crazy story, but she ended up like cornering her in the kitchen and was like, yeah, it was like this crazy thing. It’s still ongoing, like they haven’t gotten married yet, but, um,
Kate Gray: oh my goodness.
Christa Innis: Yeah. And so the delete texted made me think of that conversation because um, she just said like.
She would, the mother would delete texts in her phones and then claim not to have it anymore. Claim to not know that because the text was gone.
Kate Gray: That’s weird. Never heard of anything like that.
Christa Innis: I know. I was like, does she, does she work for the
Kate Gray: FBI? Why? Yeah. Seriously. Is she a CIA agent?
Christa Innis: Yeah. Yeah. So that was, wow.
Kate Gray: Interesting.
Christa Innis: Yeah. But that was one where, on her episode where she came on, she talked about they, she went through a lot of therapy herself. So like they did a good job of like keeping up with boundaries. Yeah. And it was where her husband just had a hard time of like standing up to his mom because I bet.
And so used to like running the household and now this new strong female voice comes in and she’s like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I’ve never been told no before, so, yeah.
Kate Gray: Yeah. Right. Which is, that’s a red flag. I’ll say that. Like, moms not being used to their adult children telling them no about things. That’s a red flag for Yeah.
Like when you’re, if you’re a fiance, you’re looking at your partner and their parent, and that’s the dynamic you see. It’s like that’s, those are, those are scary waters to enter into. Like you, that’s a scary situation. And I think their partners feel that, you know, they like get that sense. And I think that that brings out their own stress responses too.
Mm-hmm. Um, because there’s a powerlessness that children feel even when they’re adults with parents. Parents. And so that can just make them really scared and they, however they normally respond when they’re scared. So maybe they over control or they. You know, overcompensate in some ways. So it can just be tough.
Yeah.
Christa Innis: Interesting. Wow. Okay. Um, this one says, the bride says she doesn’t want the groom sister in the wedding and won’t explain why
Kate Gray: the bride says she doesn’t want the groom sister in the wedding. Oh. And she won’t explain why. Yeah. That’s part of it. That’s the part of it. That’s the red flag.
Christa Innis: Yeah. They won’t explain why.
’cause I feel like you don’t need to have your sibling or your partner’s siblings in the wedding. I feel like that’s a totally, there should be no pressure to have anybody in the wedding, but
Kate Gray: yeah.
Christa Innis: Why won’t you explain why?
Kate Gray: Yeah, why don’t you explain why, or like, why can’t they just be, I love the idea if that’s the case.
Like if, say you’re the bride and you don’t want your groom’s sister being a bridesmaid, but can she be a groomsman? I don’t know. Do you have this, the ultimate set? You know, can’t, is there some gray area here? Right. Like if
Christa Innis: he, I know. That’s what I think is interesting too, is like, I, I mean, I had my.
Husband’s sister and sister-in-law on his side. Um, sister-in-law on his side. I dunno if I said that right. But I mean, it’s our sister-in-law, but in the wedding, ’cause I’m like close with them. Yeah. But like, we have my brother ’cause like they’re not super close or anything. Okay. But I’ve seen it always and that, that’s like a weird thing.
But like, I, I don’t know. It’s interesting.
Kate Gray: Well, I think this can be an issue. So say the groom’s sister is rude to the bride or like they don’t get along or, or whatever. And so the bride’s just like, yeah. I mean, you’re not gonna be in our wedding party. Mm-hmm. Um. But I think that could also be like an, is a situation where fiance, they can come together where it’s like, Hey, I’m uncomfortable with her in my, on my side of things, you know, going on my bachelorette or like, and standing up there, that feels inauthentic to me.
But if you, you know, she’s your sister, you kind of get the say in what you want her to be in our wedding and we can talk about it. And so do you want her to stand up with you in a black dress? You know, like is there something, if your parents are gonna be really upset and embarrassed by that, like is there something we can do to get everyone a win-win scenario?
Um, yeah.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Because what’s weird to me too is that she would have to explain to the groom almost like in my. My thought is if the bride and sister didn’t get along, the groom would already know that or know that there was some kind of weird tension. So like, let’s figure it out together. But if like, let’s say she secretly like hated the sister and was like, yeah, jealous of something, you know, whatever.
Then like that’s already, that’s a red flag because it’s like you’re not openly communicating with your groom. Like, oh, the sister did this to me. That’s
Kate Gray: the issue is like the not openly communicating.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Okay. This one’s, there’s two more. One person does all the wedding planning because the other partner says they don’t care.
Kate Gray: Is that the most normal thing I’ve ever heard about this? Probably. I mean, but it’s a red flag. Like. I don’t know, what do they not care about? Is that part of the dynamic? Do they not care in general? Are they like, I never care about what we eat, and so the other person’s always responsible for figuring out what they eat.
Like is this the dynamic or is this just like, oh, I don’t like, you know, oh I don’t know, some, like, I don’t wanna do girly stuff, or some stupid stuff like that. What’s the deal about it?
Christa Innis: Yeah, because I feel like there’s a big difference between like, oh honey, you’re so good at this stuff, so I don’t care.
Like, do you like the pink or the green butter? You know, or it’s like, I don’t care.
Kate Gray: You know? Like the, yeah,
Christa Innis: how are they communicating it because exactly how
Kate Gray: are they communicating it? And you know, I think that that’s not. Yeah. I think again, it’s a, all these things seem like places, things to explore. Like is this just this situation or is this in general?
Or does this bother me? Does it bother me that they don’t care? Or am I happy they don’t care because I wanted to do it on my own anyway. You know, like Right. What I, how do you actually feel about it?
Christa Innis: Right. No, that’s a, that’s a great point. It’s so, these are so nuanced. Yeah. Because I’ve seen relationships before where the bride is like such a big planner and so she was like, I got this.
We’re good. Yeah. And he kind of just was there if she needed him, but that’s it. He was like, I don’t care. Pick, I will walk in for a wedding. You want, but then I’ve seen others where like the bride was stressed beyond belief and he went a finger and you’re like, that’s where I’m like, it’s your wedding too.
Right. Um, but I think a lot of times there’s those couples where they just assume like, oh, it’s the woman’s job to do all of it. Yes. Um. But
Kate Gray: I don’t know. And that’s again, like not a a bad, these things aren’t like inherently bad, but it’s like, how do you feel about them? Do you want them more involved? Is are there things you can do together?
Are there things that they really do care about or do they just not know? I think a lot of the time people don’t know what they don’t know. Yeah. And so you think you’re not gonna care about something, but you really end up caring about the food, or you really end up caring, like caring about the transportation from the venue to the reception.
You know, like, yeah. Is, is there an open mind there? For things to be, you know, to evolve as you learn more. Because I mean, when I planned my wedding, I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know what I, you know, how do you, how are you supposed to know when you’ve never done it before?
Christa Innis: Exactly.
Kate Gray: Yeah. So
Christa Innis: it’s a lot.
And I think people don’t realize, like, especially their first time going through everything and seeing like what they have to do, they’re just like, what?
Kate Gray: Yeah, there’s so many decisions.
Christa Innis: Yeah. And so all the comparison with social media and all stuff, it’s like you have to really shut out the noise of like, okay, do I want, uh, a golden arch because they have it on Pinterest, or do I want one because it would look cool for us, like, you know.
Exactly.
Kate Gray: Yeah, for sure.
Christa Innis: Okay, last one. A parent constantly criticizes their part child’s partner, but the partner just keeps the peace to avoid conflict.
Kate Gray: Yeah. Major red flag. First of all, why is a parent criticizing? I think that’s, so, I, I think things can be so backwards. Like parents should be there to be so supportive ’cause they know they’ve been through it and they know how stressful it is.
Mm-hmm. So it’s just crazy to me in general when parents are adding, they add stress even though they know they’ve been through it themselves. Um, so I think that’s the red flag is like parents criticizing in general. That’s definitely something to have a boundary around. Um, what was the rest of the question?
And the, uh, the partner just keeps the peace to avoid conflict. Yeah. And that’s another thing. Do they always do that? Do they do that with you? Do they do that at work? Do they do that with their friends? Are they always avoiding conflict? Because the thing about that is that it comes out sideways. It it does eventually, you know, people aren’t just like doormats, you’re human beings and emotions, you know, it’s gonna come out.
So, but it, but, or is this a situational thing where it’s just like, you know, let’s just get through this wedding. Like, I don’t even care. Let’s just get through this wedding. Right. That’s one thing. So, and it’s okay to make mistakes. It’s, you know, things are not irreparable. If you just, if the wedding is just, if you decide it’s not the time to deal with all these dynamics, then just make it easy for yourself.
You know? Like if you need to avoid it, do it, whatever. But as long as like you, um, yeah, I think just doing what you need to do at the time
Christa Innis: Yeah. Is
Kate Gray: how you leave these situations. Like not traumatized.
Christa Innis: Right. When they’re
Kate Gray: tough.
Christa Innis: Yeah. I don’t know how I would react to something like that, but yeah, if it’s something like you live across the country and you’re only gonna see ’em for this one day and you talk to them, okay, whatever, just like, we’re like, whatever.
But if you see them a lot and they’re constantly putting your partner down, like, let’s, boundaries.
Kate Gray: Yeah. Boundaries. Because that’s, you know, if a parent’s criticizing their partner, that can really make the kid feel undermined. Like, Hey, you don’t trust my decisions. Like, I, I wanna hear your feedback, but I’m, all I’m hearing about them is this, and that’s making me not trust your opinion because they’re both good and bad.
Like, they definitely have stuff, but it, it’s, it feels reflective of me and what you think about me and my decision. So yeah, that can be something important to communicate. But again, if this isn’t the time, then don’t like just deal with it later.
You’re Just the Mother of His Child
Christa Innis: Yeah. Yeah. All right. Now let’s get to everyone’s favorite part of these episodes, and that’s this week’s story submission.
So here we go. Okay. It’s Blind React. I’ve not read it, so, okay. What we got. Okay. You know how people say you don’t need a piece of paper to prove your love? That was us until life taught us otherwise. We met in the mid nineties, in our early twenties and clicked instantly. Within a few months, we were living together.
The next year we experienced a miscarriage, and not long after I was pregnant again, our Rainbow baby was born the following spring. By the end of that year, we bought a house together, and still we had no plans to marry. We were anti traditional and didn’t think a certificate mattered. Then everything changed.
In the summer of 2000, my partner was riding his motorcycle and hit a full. Hit at full speed while making a, and was, I’m sorry, and was hit at full speed while making a legal turn. He suffered a traumatic brain injury and was in co a coma for three weeks. Oh my gosh. His helmet saved his life, but it was a long road ahead because we weren’t legally married.
His mother stepped in and told the doctors she was next of kin. This is, oh my gosh. Wow. Oh my God, this is so bad. This is terrible. Oh, she explicitly told them not to speak to me. How do you, that stuff, this is like something that’s so complicated that I never would’ve even thought about.
Kate Gray: Wow. Like, yeah, we just
Christa Innis: automatically assume your partner for that long.
Having kids together, like. That’s your person you like
Kate Gray: earned your right? Like in Yeah. In all in their eyes too. Yeah.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Uh, she said I understood she was heartbroken, but I had been his partner for years. We shared a home, we were raising a toddler, and yet I was completely shut out. Wow. Oh my gosh. She even looked me dead in the eye and said, “You’re just the mother of his child.”
Oh. This is probably one of the tragic stories I’ve read on here. Um, that sentence has never left me. Yeah. A single piece of paper would’ve spared me so much pain. Mm. Thankfully we had an incredible nurse who saw what was really going on. I showed proof that we lived together and she let me sneak our son into the ICU to see his dad.
Mm. So the, the grandma was even keeping the, the son away sounds like,
Kate Gray: oh my gosh.
Christa Innis: Within four days, he woke up. I truly believe that visit made a difference. The bond between them has only grown, grown stronger since. Eventually he came home and made an incredible recovery. About 95% of who he was before the accident.
I didn’t tell him what happened while he was in the hospital. I just wanted him to heal. Oh. So this is interesting ’cause it kind of relates to what we were talking about, about like protecting your partner. Mm-hmm. But this is like the opposite way. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So she’s almost protecting him from his own mother.
What’s her take on that? Like, ’cause I am, I’m also wondering how involved this grandma is in their life. Yeah.
Kate Gray: For
Christa Innis: and be like, no, he’s my next. I’m the next of kin.
Kate Gray: Yeah, exactly. My, I have a lot of questions. I’m like, I. If they didn’t get married, then there wasn’t a family, you know, then there wasn’t a wedding and there wasn’t this family event.
This like, I don’t know how much that matters, but like basically she wasn’t necessarily included in their formal relationship.
Christa Innis: Yeah.
Kate Gray: And may, I’m wondering what their relationship was like before, you know? Mm-hmm. How involved she was, how not involved, what her relationship was like with her son. But yeah, so that’s what I have just context.
I want context to that. But you wanna really, you wanna demonize the mother-in-law in these situations, you know, like it’s easy to say, oh my gosh, what a terrible person. How could she do this and disrespect me like this?
Christa Innis: Mm-hmm.
Kate Gray: Um, yeah. And I wonder, again, that’s like zooming out. Is this a pattern where she like the.
The partner doesn’t share things with him to protect him. And is this just another thing, part of that, when this is something that he definitely needs to know?
Christa Innis: Mm-hmm.
Kate Gray: You know, they definitely need to figure out together.
Christa Innis: Yeah, because I feel like that would be my thought. Like I understand her concern with being like, you know what, let’s just focus on him healing.
But yeah, then I would also be like, what if something happens? Like where,
Kate Gray: yeah,
Christa Innis: he has a stroke. I don’t know. Just you think like something happens where like another life altering event. Of course you would hope like nothing happens after that, but like things happen and you know, then you’d be like, okay, how can I protect myself now I wanna talk to him because.
I wanna make sure we’re like on the same page moving forward or something.
Kate Gray: Yeah. Wait, did she say like, did she say that she didn’t tell him any of this? Is that what she said?
Christa Innis: So there’s still a little bit more, but she said so far, um, I didn’t tell him what happened while he was in the hospital. I just wanted him to heal.
Um mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Wait. And then right after it says, so I didn’t read this yet, but once, but once he was well enough to return to work, we started making secret wedding plans. Oh. Oh, okay. Okay. Let’s, okay, let’s see where this goes. Okay. It says, we hosted a backyard barbecue that December. A few close friends and family knew it was more than just a cookout, but most didn’t.
Okay. So they did a surprise, oh my gosh. Wedding. Most didn’t including his mother.
Kate Gray: Wait, I, oh wait, his, so his mom didn’t know. Didn’t know that it was a secret wedding.
Christa Innis: Okay. I have so many thoughts now because I’m like, okay, was their relationship with the mom always bad or if the mom always made it clear that she did not like her, because now it’s like, I’m not gonna tell you what happened.
So you talk to your mom, we’re gonna have this wedding.
Kate Gray: Oh my gosh. I didn’t even think like retaliation basically, which like,
Christa Innis: obviously they’re gonna get married anyway, so I don’t want ’em to think I’m thinking that, but I’m just like, oh. She’s like, you did that to me while my husband watch
Kate Gray: this.
Christa Innis: Yeah.
Watch this. I’ll prove you. How much like he’s my partner.
Kate Gray: Well, or I mean, or, or she just learned from that. Like, this woman is not safe for us to tell anything to, and we need her in a group of people so she’s not acting crazy that when it’s our moment. That’s such a good, that’s who. Because I, um, man, that is, that is, you can’t make that this up.
Like you cannot make this up. It’s wild. This is a wow
Christa Innis: story. Yeah. I’m like picturing it now. And that was such a good point about like being aware of like, okay, how could she act out if it was just us?
Kate Gray: Right.
Christa Innis: This way she’s gonna maybe, hopefully be on her best behavior. ’cause certain people like that aren’t gonna put on a show.
I mean, they might, some people might.
Kate Gray: Right. But if they did, there’s witnesses now.
Christa Innis: Yes,
Kate Gray: man. Like, we’re
Christa Innis: not the crazy ones. It’s not us. Yeah, exactly. Like now you see Yeah. Yeah. This is what we’re dealing with. Oh my gosh. Wow. Uh, she had no, oh, here we go. Okay. She had no idea it was a wedding until the cake came out.
She was livid. Oh my gosh. Oh. A year or so later, we paid off all of her debts and helped her move out. That’s a wait. Move out. Wait. Was the mom living with them? Did I miss something? Oh,
Kate Gray: because that would be crazy if the mom was living with them and she didn’t know they were getting married.
Christa Innis: Yeah. And like how long was, if the mom was living with them, how long was she living with them for that she then blocked out.
I’m so confused. Oh my gosh. Well, because it says best decision we ever made because they paid off her debts and helped her move out, so she was living with them.
Kate Gray: Oh wait. Helped her move out, wait. Paid off her debts and helped her move out. Yeah. Moved out of where? That’s the question.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Oh my gosh. It says our relationship with her stayed strained for over a decade.
She passed away in 2014, and since then life has been calm, happy, and drama free. Now we’re planning our 25th wedding anniversary, and this time it won’t be a surprise to anyone. Oh my God. Oh my gosh. That is
Kate Gray: a wild story. Wow. I’m feeling a lot of things about that. Yes. Well, wait, so backing up, when he got in that tragic accident, that was like, what?
Probably five years into their relationship? Is that like a general timeline? Probably. So
Christa Innis: they met mid nineties in the summer of 2000. Yeah. Yeah. So probably like five or so years. Okay. They had a toddler together, living together. Mm. Yeah, where was the mom and all this? Like did she live with
Kate Gray: Yeah, did she live with them?
Yeah. I, so my, so from a family systems point of view, remember that’s my context. ’cause like, I wanna be per, I wanna respond personally to this, but like, ’cause this is crazy, but not in a clinical way. You’re not crazy in a clinical way. Yes. But it’s still just like, what is this guy, you know, you said this at the beginning, like when people are like, oh, where’s the fiance?
People submit stories and they’re like, wait, where? Where’s the fiance? Where’s the husband? Where’s the partner?
Christa Innis: Yeah. And
Kate Gray: that’s what I’m wondering is like, what has he just been passive in this situation and mm-hmm. I don’t know. I think it’s so easy to be, you know, with these mother-in-laws that do these things, to be really scared of them.
And I mean. And let them dominate. You know, I think there gets to a point where it’s like you, you can have boundaries as adults. Like you can, you know, you don’t have to have her in your, your house. If she’s terrorizing you and you’re scared of her and you’re laughing at her behind her back, you know, like, so I don’t know, but.
That sounds,
Christa Innis: that’s what I’m confused about. Crazy. Like he had a good relationship with his mom, so he was like, oh, she’s fine, she’s harmless. But then maybe, right. It wasn’t until he was in the ICU that she became really terrible and was like, like actually a threat to their relationship.
Kate Gray: Yeah, yeah.
Christa Innis: Because you know, you hear like funerals and weddings and, you know, all those big life events bring out the worst in people. Right? Right. And so like, I mean, there’s so many cr I mean, I’m sure there could be a podcast about funeral things that happen with families, like being torn apart and money is, you know, there, there, you always hear about stuff like that.
And so that’s what makes me think of like, maybe the mom was playing nice and then she was like in tragedy brought up. Right. I don’t know.
Kate Gray: Yeah. Well, oh man, that’s so hard. That is so hard. I mean real life. And that’s why marriage relationships are so important to get right. Because life is crazy and there are huge things that happen like that, that alter things and alter relationships.
And so having a balance and having communication and resolving conflicts so that it all doesn’t come out in this one crisis, you know?
Christa Innis: Mm-hmm. Is
Kate Gray: so important because crises happen.
Christa Innis: Yeah. But yeah, and it’s um, I love that she shared this story ’cause it’s such a unique perspective and I feel like open people’s eyes up too because it’s kind of like a different perspective of the stories we usually get.
’cause you know, it’s usually like the wedding drama and the planning and stuff. So this was a very like, alternative kind of story. And I think it’s really interesting ’cause you never think like. In like a, in a tragic moment, like, what’s gonna happen? Or, you know, right. How would we handle that? Married or not?
How would we handle that situation? ’cause that’s gonna put, that can put stress on family. How is family gonna come in at that point? Um,
Do It Your Way
Kate Gray: well, yeah, and I think it depends. When I got married, I remember like a month after we got married and we’re home from and everything and it’s like really hitting you this commitment and this legal change.
And I was changing my name and I remember being like, I’m changing my social security card. Like, if I am in an accent, you, you are gonna be like, you know, who’s young at my age who doesn’t have experience with hospitals, you know, my mom’s a, a nurse and, um. I just remember like that, the gravity of that hitting me, you know, you just grow up like it, it’s just so much transition internally and in life.
And you’re like, oh my gosh. Like if I am in a car accident, you are gonna be making these decisions. Like this is crazy. Yeah. So I think there, you know, um, I, but I agree like with like what you’re saying just about how the, the legal thing like this, it matters. This marriage is, is this person is making these huge decisions and when health is on the line, I think that’s a time where like hard lines need, hard boundaries need to be there, like mm-hmm.
Or else there’s this situation right where the mom and the partner, like the wife or the, the partner Yeah. Are not, there’s no clear lines there. ’cause legally did the mom have the right, or I don’t even know what the laws are.
Christa Innis: Yeah. I don’t know. And I don’t know what state there, ’cause I’m sure it differs state to state too.
Kate Gray: Yeah.
Christa Innis: But it sounds like she probably had the legality because she was the mom, but I don’t know. ’cause it’s like if he’s over 18, doesn’t that kind of go away? I don’t know how that works. Yeah. Um, but I actually heard a crazy story. I don’t even know how long ago it was now. Um, and I’ll change up the story slightly to protect who they are, but, um, this couple was married for a long time.
They were going through a divorce and while they were going through a divorce, the man had a traumatic, like, I think I wanna say brain cancer, brain tumor. Mm-hmm. And it turns out that certain tumors can make you act different ways or like do different things. Mm. While that was happening, he had an affair with her sister.
It was, I know. It was crazy. And so while he was in the hospital, the sister and I, again, I don’t know the legalities or how this worked. Yeah. Uhhuh, um, I. This was like through a grapevine,
Kate Gray: Uhhuh,
Christa Innis: um, through, through the sister. The sister was not allowing the ex-wife to Oh, father of children. Father of the children, what?
25 years? Yeah.
Kate Gray: Oh my gosh.
Christa Innis: And I was just like, this was a long grapevine, but it was just like, what? Like how, like I, again, I don’t know, like the legalities of that because they were divorced, but he wasn’t with this new person legally. But I don’t know if she was just there when the injury happened or they like, did the surgery or what.
Oh my gosh. But the, like, those kind of things are just like, you don’t, you don’t think about that when you’re like, you know, I don’t know. Getting married or like all that stuff.
Kate Gray: No, no, you don’t. You definitely don’t. I’m watching, it’s funny we’re talking about this too. ’cause I’m rewatching, um, Grey’s Anatomy, so I’m like seeing all this stuff in episodes and um, but yeah, it really does make you think of the legalities.
’cause I think that is what they determine what they make those decisions based on. Right. Like the doctors have to know Yeah. Who’s next of kin and who’s formally next of kin.
Christa Innis: Right. Yeah. Because I know there’s been really sad stories where, um, a gay couple or something have been partners for a long time, but they, because they weren’t legally married, they refused to let a longtime partner of someone in the hospital room So crazy.
And I hope that’s changed in most cases, but I’m sure there’s gotta be some kind of like paperwork or something, I don’t know. Mm-hmm. How that works. Mm-hmm. But maybe next I need to have some like.
Kate Gray: Lawyer on it should have someone on here. Yeah. Yeah. Talking about that. Is there a lawyer listening?
Um, okay. I know we’re about at the end of our time, so I always like to end this with confessions, weekly confessions that people send me. So here’s a couple that people sent in. It says, biggest regret was having a wedding instead of eloping like I wanted to. Mm. And I was told I would regret it later.
Kate Gray: That is so sad.
I hate when people, or it’s just sad when people project their own experiences and you don’t realize it’s them projecting and not everyone’s truth and not like a universal truth, you know?
Christa Innis: Mm-hmm.
Kate Gray: Oh, that’s tough. See, that’s why like, you have to make these times, you have to do what you wanna do, I think.
Christa Innis: Yeah.
Kate Gray: Because they’re so big.
Christa Innis: Totally. And I feel like when you tend to listen to everyone around you, but yourself, you’re gonna end up regretting it a hundred percent. Whether it want a big wedding and you went small or you went small and you want, you know, or I just said the same thing twice. Yeah. You know what I mean?
Um, or you, you don’t elope, but you really wanted to elope because you’re ultimately trying to please everyone else and you’re looking back. Exactly. Feel like, what was that for?
Kate Gray: Yeah. And it’s like if you do what you wanna do and it didn’t turn out the way you wanted to, you can learn. It’s not a, it’s not, I don’t think is as bad as if you listen to someone else over yourself.
’cause I think when you get married, like when you go into that stage of life. And you start your own family, whether you have kids or not. Like you’re starting your own family, that you have to get in the habit of making decisions for your family and for yourself and putting yourself first in that way.
That’s what’s best for your family. Mm-hmm. Is choosing yourself every day over everybody else. You know, obviously considering other people, but no one knows your family, no one knows you better than you know you.
Christa Innis: Mm-hmm.
Kate Gray: Even if you haven’t been some through something that other people have been through.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Yeah. You know, the way you just said it, I’m like, you know, the wedding is kind of like the test, like, kinda like the precursor into the marriage. ’cause everyone’s so focused on the wedding. Right. But it’s really the marriage, like that counts and I, I don’t know. Yeah. I can kind of say that to like, you know, your clients before, but I just feel like so many people focus on this like, you know, big day, right?
Yeah. The flashing lights and all that, but. It really is kinda like the precursor of like, how are we gonna handle stress? How are we gonna budget for this big event? Yes. How are all these strong personalities gonna come together and how will we deal with it? Because in our, you know, marriage, there’s gonna be trials and tribulations, there’s gonna be hard times, there’s gonna be great times.
Um, and so I feel like that’s kinda like a precursor of like, are we gonna listen to everyone else before us? Yes. Like, how are we gonna Well,
Kate Gray: yeah, and like I said, like I really do, when I’m thinking about it like this, I’m like, there. People don’t, I don’t know you. It’s crazy that this amount of pressure and this complex of a thing happens at the very beginning of a relationship because in life you’re never dealing with this type of thing again.
You know, unless you have children and there’s like, you live on a compound with your family. Like there, you know, there’s not this level of pressure, of personalities of, of involvement in your life and in your life decisions as there is when you’re married. So I wanna like, I feel like that would’ve been so helpful for me to understand of just like, this is kind of a one time thing.
You know, this. And like maybe if you, if you can get pregnant, if you wanna get pregnant, whatever the birth of your first child, like, I feel like those are kinda the two main first things. And then after that, people leave you alone in a way. And so just to know like if you’re feeling a lot of pressure, you can like chill because there’s nothing like this, I think other than funerals, you know?
Yes. Other, other things like that. But even, even then, you’re not the center of it a lot of times. So
Christa Innis: yeah. This is your, your time for it to be about you. You can be a little selfish. Um, yeah. And yeah. Kind of block out the extra it,
Kate Gray: It will be over, you know? Yes. But I agree with what you’re saying. Like it totally is a precursor for things and magnifies your dynamic.
Christa Innis: Yes. Yeah. A lot of, lot of personalities and thoughts and opinions coming in on this, on this one day. That’s Yeah. That can, uh, can make or break sometimes.
Kate Gray: Yeah. But do what you want.
Christa Innis: Yes. Do what you want.
Kate Gray: Yeah.
Christa Innis: Um, this says, um, mother-in-law shared a video of Karen’s ruining weddings as a joke and warned me wait and said it was a warning from her wor from her words.
I don’t know how that. Mother-in-law shared a video of Karen’s ruining weddings as a joke and a warning from her words. Yeah. So she said it as like a warning. What? So basically saying, if you don’t do what I say, I can ruin your wedding. Oh gosh. That is so mean. Did you see there was this thing that went viral.
Someone just tagged me in on TikTok. This girl shared a picture or like a video of all her invitations in a bucket of dirty water and said, thanks to my mother-in-law, oh wait, no, I didn’t see that they were already, or they were, the water was dirty because it was all the ink. She already had pre-addressed all these invitations in envelopes, and the mother-in-law threw them in water because they weren’t what she wanted, or she didn’t want the wedding to happen.
It was like going viral on TikTok. And people were like, can you make a story about this? And I was like, let me gather some thoughts.
Kate Gray: That’s terrible. Oh my gosh, that is so awful.
Christa Innis: Do you, that is so awful. Is that someone that just can’t deal with their emotions or can’t communicate, or has or hasn’t been told? No, maybe.
Kate Gray: Yeah. So the like term is enmeshment. They’re enmeshed, which means they’re fused, like, so, um, when it comes to relationships, there’s only one truth. Like there’s right or wrong, and both people have to see it that way. Mm. Whereas, so they need to learn what’s called differentiation. Like, hey, my kid is their own person.
They’re making their own choices and their own life. And it doesn’t have to be the same as what I would do.
Christa Innis: Mm.
Kate Gray: Or I don’t have to approve. They have full autonomy and agency to do what they need to do. Mm-hmm. And so there’s definitely a component of not being able to regulate emotionally. There’s the component of, of being, um, not really having boundaries.
You know, there’s, there’s a lot. I mean, not, again, not to pathologize people and ’cause I don’t know all the context behind these things, but definitely parents that get upset at their children’s decisions, there is a level of enmeshment between them.
Christa Innis: Interesting. Wow. I don’t know how some of these people get through.
Like, I know position, I just can’t. Imagine being treated that way.
Kate Gray: Yeah.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Um, awesome. Okay, well that’s all I have for, oh my gosh, thank you so much for coming on. It was so great chatting with you and hearing a different perspective on some of these things that we see.
Kate Gray: Thank you for having me. This was really fun and different.
Like it’s not, I normally just, I talk about this stuff on such, in such a serious way, you know, and so this was really light and fun. I really enjoyed it. Oh, good. Thank you again. Yeah.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Well, can you tell everyone again where they can follow you, find your content, and then what kind of things you’re working on and what kind of things you share?
Kate Gray: Yeah. So, um, you can find me on TikTok, Instagram and YouTube under the handle codependency. Kate, KATE. Um, what am I working on? I don’t know. I’m just like having fun posting and, um, just still learning about my community and what the needs are and just doing fun things like this. I did start a podcast, it’s called The Gray Area.
Christa Innis: Oh, fun. Where?
Kate Gray: Yeah, where like, so I post a lot of educational stuff and my podcast is um, where I just elaborate. It’s just like long form. I literally just started it and I am doing it just by myself and I, I’ve been like, I didn’t realize I could yap the way I do. I’ve literally like for 45 minutes to an hour can just like talk about something.
I had no idea. I’ve always been curious, like I wonder if I could just go. Like how long I would talk. Yeah. And anyway, so, um, that’s on my profile. You’re sign up now? I’m literally, yeah. Um, so that’s what I’m doing. Yeah. Now.
Christa Innis: Awesome. Well, very cool. I feel like a lot of times our, our content can like cross over, like you can be like the more, more serious
Kate Gray: Yes.
Christa Innis: Um, and educational for Yes. I like education. Yeah. Yeah. Because I feel like a lot of people have que, you know, they hear these stories and they have questions about it, or, um, brides will reach out and be like, this is what I’m currently dealing with and I, I can’t deal with it from, or I can give advice from a professional standpoint.
I just can say like, this is what I’ve seen in these stories. Yes. Yeah. So,
Kate Gray: um, well, and that’s valid too, your experience with these stories. So. Not to like think that, um, you have to have formal training to be able to answer. But yeah, I’m always happy to provide the educational component because there people, from what I’ve learned, like are shocked to find out these things have names and there’s, these are issues, you know, I’ll post a video about this and people are like, oh my gosh, this is my exact situation.
And there’s, you know, 10,000 other people that feel the same way. And it’s just so family systems is super fun to educate people about and it can be very validating for people struggling in these situations.
Christa Innis: Yeah. I think that’s one of the most beautiful things about social media is that we’re able to connect on those things like, yeah.
Like I saw someone say once like, oh, my algorithm algorithm’s spot on. ’cause it’ll be like a video about like someone with like a D, H, D and anxiety and you’re like, oh my gosh, wait, I have those things. Wait, I do those things. Or it just allows you to connect and see that you’re not alone in something or someone totally in the situation.
And,
Kate Gray: um, it’s so valid. It can be such a relief and so validating for people that don’t have access to therapy or like support, extra support like that. I literally got a message from someone yesterday from like Gambia Africa. Wow. And they’re like, yeah, we don’t have access to therapy here, so I really appreciate your content.
I’m like, oh my God, this is so cool.
Christa Innis: I didn’t know. Yeah. Yeah. And I think too, there’s such a. I think, I think our world’s getting more accepting of therapy and like talking about it being like, Hey, yes, I see I go to therapy and I, but like that wasn’t always the case. Right. And I’m sure you saw too, it was more of like a hush hush thing like, oh, I go to therapy.
Mm-hmm. Like mm-hmm. You are worried about what people are gonna think about you. Mm-hmm. And so I think for those that are still kind of like scared of therapy or like they don’t know if they wanna do it, social media’s a great way of kind of start like opening that door being like, it really is, wait, this is really, this is helpful.
Oh, this is cool. Yeah. Wait, I can talk to someone and like, like get empowered or learn
Kate Gray: about myself or, yeah. That’s great. Like be listened to and just even explore my own thoughts. Like I, I just think that therapy all it is, is just creating space for you to kind of come out and learn about yourself, like you said.
So
Christa Innis: yeah,
Kate Gray: it’s great. Yeah.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Love that. Awesome. Well thank you again for coming on. I had a great time chatting with you. Me too. Thanks again.
Kate Gray: Thanks.