My new book Here Comes the Drama: A Ferris and Sloan Story is live!
What would you do if your dream wedding turned into a financial nightmare overnight?
In this jaw-dropping episode, Christa and financial expert, bestselling author of Financial Feminist, host of the #1 financial podcast for women, and founder of Her First $100K Tori Dunlap (@herfirst100k) dive into a listener’s wild story about ghosted coordinators, surprise charges, and maxed-out credit cards — all on the big day. You’ll learn exactly how to fight back when a venue drops the ball and your wallet pays the price.
Grab your notebook, because you’ll want to keep these must-know negotiation strategies in your back pocket for any big event.
Join me on Patreon and get bonus content every month!
Episode Chapter Markers
00:00 Introduction
01:55 Tori’s Journey and Mission
03:47 Financial Conversations in Relationships
07:56 Wedding Budgeting and Financial Tips
11:30 Managing Wedding Costs and Expectations
17:08 Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing
28:39 Wedding Money Rapid Fire
30:20 Changing Marriage Norms
30:48 The Modern Wedding Registry
31:45 Cash Funds and Wedding Gifts
35:30 Financial Priorities for Weddings
38:30 Wedding Planning Challenges
43:42 Advice for Handling Wedding Issues
Must-Hear Insights and Key Moments
- Wedding Venue Gone Wrong – Hear how one couple’s fairytale venue turned into a triple-coordinator fiasco.
- Ghosted Before “I Do” – The shocking story of unanswered emails, no-shows, and last-minute coordinator swaps.
- Surprise Costs & Credit Card Stress – Learn what happens when unexpected charges hit your wedding budget.
- What You Can Actually Dispute – Tori explains how to use your credit card company as your best wedding ally.
- Gather That Paper Trail – Christa and Tori share why documentation is the real wedding day MVP.
- Negotiation is NOT “Being a Karen” – The difference between advocating for yourself vs. just complaining.
- Know Your Rights as a Bride – Actionable advice on contracts, refunds, and holding vendors accountable.
Words of Wisdom: Standout Quotes from This Episode
- “Financial feminism is about giving women choices. And choice is power.” – Tori Dunlap
- “Your best form of protest is to get rich.” – Tori Dunlap
- “Saving $100K was never about the money — it was about the freedom to say no.” – Tori Dunlap
- “We’re taught to shrink our dreams and our wallets. Screw that.” – Tori Dunlap
- “Women have been told to be quiet about money for too long. Not anymore.” – Christa Innis
- “What if our dreams are waiting for us to believe we’re worthy of them?” – Christa Innis
About Tori:
Tori Dunlap is an internationally-recognized money and career expert, New York Times bestselling author, and podcast host. After saving $100,000 at age 25, Tori quit her corporate job in marketing and founded Her First $100K to fight financial inequality by giving women actionable resources to better their money. She has helped over five million women negotiate salary, pay off debt, build savings, and invest. Author of the instant New York Times bestselling book “Financial Feminist”; host of the #1 Business Podcast, Financial Feminist; a Forbes 30 Under 30 honoree; and co-creator of Treasury, an investing education platform that has over $100M invested (featured on New York Times Business front page), Tori’s work has been featured on Good Morning America, TODAY, the New York Times, CNN, BBC and more. Tori now travels the world writing and speaking about personal finance, online businesses, and confidence for women.
Follow Tori Dunlap:
Join the Drama with Christa Innis:
- Website
- Tiktok
- Youtube
- Get Christa’s Book, Here Comes the Drama: A Ferris & Sloan Story
Got Wedding Drama? We Want to Hear It!
Your stories make Here Comes the Drama what it is! Share your unforgettable wedding tales, hilarious mishaps, or unbelievable moments with us. Whether it’s a wild confession or a story worth a skit, we can’t wait to hear it.
Submit your story today: Story Submission Form
Follow us on social media for updates and sneak peeks at upcoming episodes. Your stories inspire the drama, the laughs, and the lessons we love to share!
A Team Dklutr Production
Blog Transcript:
Note: We use AI transcription so there may be some inaccuracies
Christa Innis: Hi Tori. Thank you so much for coming on.
Tori Dunlap: Thank you for having me.
Christa Innis: I am so excited to talk to you. Like I said, I’ve been a huge fan of you for years. I think I found you in 2020 and your advice for women on finances like seriously changed my life. I’m not gonna get emotional geek a, but um, you just do so much for women and I feel like the, what you say to women just really helps.
Counteract what we’ve been taught our whole lives. Right. Um, and before I again just ramble, can you just tell everyone a little bit about you? Um, I know you, you started her first 100 k, you do a lot for, um, women taking control of their finances. Yeah. So thank you for being here. Um, and can you just introduce yourself?
Money, Love & Radical Change
Tori Dunlap: Thank you for all those kind words. It’s very sweet. Uh, that’s the mission of our work, is to fight for women’s financial rights. So I started her first a hundred K as a side hustle in 2016. I was working a nine to five in marketing, and then Donald Trump got elected and I was 22. I had just graduated college and I thought I was coming into adulthood and into womanhood in a very different country than, uh, what ended up happening and I wanted to do something about it.
And that, uh, election really radicalized me. I started having conversations with my woman friends, my girlfriends, they were coming to me and asking me questions about money, about how to pay off debt and how to save and how to invest in a Roth IRA. And I was lucky enough to have a really great financial education for my parents, and I thought, well, maybe this is it.
And as I grew in my own career and started realizing that. There were certain situations that I could not get out of because I didn’t have the money. I couldn’t leave that toxic job. I couldn’t, you know, move out of a certain situation because I didn’t have the money. It was like, oh, this is the answer to a lot of what we struggle with.
Uh. As a member of any minority group, when you have money, you have options. You have the ability to leave a toxic situation. You have the ability to donate to causes you believe in or to travel or to go to therapy, and you just show up as the best, baddest version of yourself when you are financially stable.
And I started experiencing that in my own life and I was like, this is the feeling I want for every single woman on the planet. So I started her first a hundred k. Uh, it is now a multi seven figure business. We have helped over 5 million women save money, pay off debt, start investing. Um, our podcast Financial Feminist is the number one money podcast for women in the world.
And I wrote a New York Times bestseller, also called Financial Feminist. And this is my favorite thing to do is fight for women’s financial rights.
Christa Innis: I love it. And I thought you were the perfect person to have on this show because as we talk about weddings and events, and Yeah. Going to that next chapter, you know, if that’s the, you know, the next step, money is talked about so much when it comes into relationships, whether it’s moving in together, you know, uh, getting married, getting engaged, money has, um, it’s a, it’s a, it can be a problem, it can be.
If it’s done the right way, it can help a relationship. Right? Yeah. And so I feel like you are the perfect person to have on, because in a lot of these stories that people send to me, they, they’re like, well, we don’t know how to have a budget for the wedding. We don’t know how to say no to people offering to pay and then dangling a string above us because they want control of the wedding.
And so I feel like money plays a huge part in this kind of next chapter that people kind of have. I.
Tori Dunlap: Yeah, absolutely. And it’s interesting that you said that people are interested in having financial conversations because I love that it’s usually not the case. We actually know that, um, unfortunately, the vast majority of people get married without having serious conversations about money.
And it ends up being the number one reason or the number one cause of separation in relationships is financial problems, is lack of transparency. Um, so. These conversations about money, uh, hopefully start when you’re dating and then continue to, you know, when you get more serious and then when you move in together, and then when you start talking about being married.
And then of course, the costs of the wedding are, you know, it’s, it’s typically a pretty substantial cost for people. And so I hope that everybody listening views money, uh, and financial wellness as. Wellness with the rest of their lives. Right? We talk about mental wellness a lot in a, in our society now, mental health, we talk about, of course, our physical health, our emotional health, but our financial health, I would argue, is absolutely paramount to all of the rest of those, right?
We can’t go to the gym. We, unless we have money to pay for the gym membership, we can’t go to therapy unless we have money. And especially in a healthy relationship. And especially before you, uh. You know, uh, enter into this new season of your life. Shit’s about to get really expensive, so you need to be having conversations with your partner and decide, you know, what it, what do I want my wedding?
What do I want my marriage to look like?
Christa Innis: Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, you make a really good point about so many couples do not talk about money until Yep. They get to the wedding part or they’re already married and they’re like, oh shit. Like my partner. Has debt or this is going on and we’ve never talked about it, or how do we get through this together?
Um, and that’s one thing I can like straight up say, like, you helped me and my partner who I’m now married to, but at the time it’s like we were living together, but it was like, how do we figure out bills? Like how, you know, we’re kind of going through all these weird seizures together. And so I think it’s so important that we talk about it now in these stages.
You know, anyone listening that’s like currently engaged or with a partner moving in, it’s so important to. Have those difficult conversations. And that’s one thing you help me with too, is ’cause it’s like, it’s, it’s awkward to talk about, especially when you grow up being like, don’t talk about money. It’s taboo.
Yeah. And you need to have those taboo conversations.
Tori Dunlap: Yeah, I mean, it’s very similar to sex, right? And we’re actually more likely to talk about any other uncomfortable topic before we’ll talk about money. So we’ll talk about sex, death, politics, religion. We will have mm-hmm. Any uncomfortable topic to spare us from having a conversation about money.
But, you know, I hope you’re talking about your sex life with your partner. Mm-hmm. I hope you. Talk about what you like and what you want and what your desires are and how you enjoy pleasure. Right. That’s a huge part of a romantic relationship. Mm-hmm. Is, you know, your sexual health and your sexual, uh, life with this other person.
Money’s no different. It’s a little awkward to talk about. It’s a little scary. Uh, there’s a lot of emotional, uh, baggage and typically trauma that you bring into that conversation. Um, but we need to talk about it and especially with our life partner.
Debt, Guilt, and Boundaries
Christa Innis: Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so getting into it, I reached out to my audience to kind of ask about some general questions when it comes to weddings and budgeting.
So kind of starting off, this is a big one, and I’ve seen some horror stories where people send them to me after about. Putting things on a credit card for a wedding. Oh yeah. And financing. And I even, even, which I felt terrible for this girl, she reached out to me, this is a while back about she was a maid of honor.
Didn’t understand the responsibilities. There was not really a communication. Yeah. And she ended up paying for every like bachelorette party, all on her credit card because she felt like she needed to be a good friend. Yeah. So is financing a wedding with a credit card a good or bad idea? And what are your thoughts on that?
Tori Dunlap: Yeah, let’s talk about those two situations. So one, if you are the person getting married, how should I pay for it? But then I have a lot of hot takes too about the, you know, bachelor, bachelorette parties. Yes. Because that is getting more and more expensive. Okay, so the first one, yes. I do not want you going through what is hopefully one of the most beautiful, enjoyable days or experiences of your life, thinking, how am I gonna afford this?
Like. This is the same thing when people put vacations on credit cards. Like nothing tastes worse than a pina colada on the beach when you’re trying to relax with a side of guilt and with a side of like, I’m gonna get home and I, the consequences will be there. Right? Yeah. I don’t want anything souring this day.
A lot of people go into debt, especially costly debt like credit cards because they’re like, this is a once in a lifetime experience. Mm-hmm. So, yolo, it doesn’t matter. And I, if you don’t aren’t familiar with my work, I am not the financial expert that shames you for spending money. I am not the financial expert that shames you for being in debt.
So I wanna level set that. However, again, I don’t want this beautiful thing being. Potentially tarnished when you realize that you’re gonna be paying it off for the next six months. Mm-hmm. Two years, five years, 10 years. And especially with credit card debt, that is the most costly kind of debt you are in debt, at least 15% on average, 22% interest.
For context, the average student loan right now is about five to 6%. So you’re taking out five-ish times the amount. Of a student loan to, you know, uh, be able to take on what you’re deciding to put on this credit card. And in addition, what a lot of people don’t understand about credit cards is that the interest compounds.
So that means that the interest earns interest. Not all loans work this way. Mortgage mortgages typically, typically don’t work this way, but credit cards do so the interest, every day you’re, you are in debt, it’s earning you interest. And also that interest doesn’t compound once a month. It compounds every day.
So this is why credit card debt in particular, can be so damaging. It affects our credit score for, you know, potentially years. It affects, uh, just your ability to take on, you know, and buy, get a loan for something like a house, uh, in the future. And it also is just really, really expensive. So please don’t finance your wedding and like that shouldn’t be a hot take.
I, I think anybody. Who is in the financial space is gonna give you the same advice. Now, there are ways that you can think about, you know, the wedding of your dreams that don’t involve credit cards, and we can talk more about that. I. The second thing, uh, let’s talk about the bachelor bachelorette commitments.
Um, I have been in one, uh, bachelorette party and luckily it was not the kind of situation where it was like a week long bachelorette, uh, in Cabo with the yachts and the bottle service, you know, but like. I think transparency is gonna be the recurring theme of this episode, which is you need to be transparent with your partner if you’re getting married, and you need to be transparent with your bridal party.
So what that looks like, I was actually just talking to somebody the other day that they got a form with like, Hey, what’s your budget? I’m getting married. I sent it to, you know, they sent it to their, their, um, bridesmaids, what is your budget for these items? What is your budget for dress? What is your budget for the bachelorette party?
And then based on that, created the whole, you know, bachelorette experience. So I think it’s really important for the person getting married to lead that conversation now. If you are not the person getting married and you are dealing with the, oh my gosh, these costs keep adding up and I don’t want to be a bad friend.
It’s something I hear a lot as well. Um, okay. I’m gonna get a little spicy.
Christa Innis: I love it
Tori Dunlap: if, if someone in your life is demanding you go into debt to prove that you’re a good friend, they’re not a good friend. Yep. Like they’re just not. And, uh, if the bride is not. Sending out forms, having open conversations with you about how much things will cost.
What you need to do is unfortunately take on the burden of that conversation, which is going to them and doing what I love is a gratitude sandwich of feedback. Okay, so you’re gonna go, oh, thank you for asking me to be a bridesmaid. I am so honored that, you know, you would think of me, our friendship means so much to me.
You know, nice piece of bread, gratitude meat is the part where you have to talk about what’s going on in, in your brain and your body and your life. So. Then you’re going, uh, I either, um, re finances are really tight right now and I really can’t afford to be in the bridal party, but I would love to support you second piece of bread in any other aspect of the wedding.
And I’m so excited I will be there with Bellson to support you and your partner if you know you wanna be a bridesmaid. And maybe the conversations are happening where it’s like, oh my gosh, yeah, we are gonna go to Europe. And you’re like, I can’t fucking afford Europe. Yeah. Then you go. Again, so excited, so happy.
Um, I am not in the financial position to be able to afford this. Uh, and then give them options. You can say, Hey, uh, can we go somewhere else? Instead, if you’re committed to going to Europe, I’m gonna sit this one out. Or, you know, I am going to come to half of the trip because I can’t afford the whole thing.
I’m gonna come to half and then I, I’m gonna have to jet, right? Mm-hmm. Um, and so these conversations just need to be happening. I know it feels awkward, but I can tell you from the thousands of emails I have gotten, and I imagine you feel the same way, that the awkwardness is so much worse when the resentment kicks in.
Mm-hmm. When you’re going, oh my God. Okay. This has costing me $3,500 and I don’t have $3,500, and it’s very hard to be authentically celebratory for this person when you’re harboring resentment. I don’t know how you feel about this
Christa Innis: a hundred percent. I get stories all the time where people then, after the, after the fact, they feel like, oh, I spent all this money and
Tori Dunlap: yep,
Christa Innis: we kinda dwindled away after the wedding.
Or they just have all these feelings kind of built up. Um. And it goes back to feeling like they have to say yes to everything. And Yep. And I get it. And I, I felt really glad that, like, when it came time for, for my wedding, I had two bridesmaids that were like, Hey, I’m not gonna do the bachelorette party.
And I was like, I, that’s great. I want absolutely no pressure for you guys. I even told my maid of honor like. It’s okay. Like these are optional. ’cause I mean, I had been in plenty of weddings over the years and I saw how things can add up and it takes away, especially if you have kids or a partner at home, you don’t wanna take off work sometimes.
Yeah. And I get it. I get it.
Tori Dunlap: And I think especially with a maid of honor, you need to be having conversations about what the expectations are. Because some weddings, it’s just like, yeah, it’s basically like, you know. Fancy title, but I don’t expect anything of you. And for some, it’s like you are a project manager full time, so you need to have a conversation.
And also what inevitably happens is that a lot of people get into the excitement of the wedding, right? We’ve all seen father of the bride. It’s like you get in the excitement of the wedding and the wedding keeps. Getting crazier. So if you are the maid of honor and you committed to something that has now changed, it’s time to have another conversation of just, again, I’m so excited for you all.
This seems so incredible. I want you to have the wedding that you want. Mm-hmm. However. I, I am not, I’m at capacity here. I can’t do all of the things you’re asking me to do, and I’d rather come to you and talk to you about it than feel secretly harboring again, resentment or mm-hmm. Or feelings. ’cause I want this to be a positive experience.
So those are the kind of conversations you have to have that again, might feel uncomfortable, but ultimately. I want everybody to be able to enjoy this experience, to be able to enjoy this day. And the resentment, the, uh, you know, guilt, the shame is not going to lead to an enjoyable experience.
Christa Innis: Right. Yeah.
And absolutely like, like you said. You’re so, um, nervous about telling a bride that, that they’re gonna like end your friendship over it, then they’re not a good friend. That
Tori Dunlap: tells you a lot. That tells you a lot. Mm-hmm. Uh, and what you can do is if you’re in the bridal party, uh, and I would recommend this for brides as well, is you do need to sit down and be like, okay.
Uh, you know, uh, head to toe, what is every single cost going to be now? Bachelorette party, right? The obvious costs are a flight if you’re getting on a flight, lodging, restaurants, experiences, but it’s also like. Uber’s to and from the airport. Mm-hmm. It’s also the, you know, matching bachelorette t-shirts.
Right. It’s the, uh, you know, drinks at the bar. And then a lot of people, you know, uh, are taking, you know, the, the bridal party is paying for the bride’s experience. Is that part of the expectation? If so, how is that being split? Is it just the maid of honor? Is it. Split, you know, if there’s five brides or bridesmaids, is it split five ways?
Like those are the conversations you wanna have because again, you don’t wanna be in the moment when you’ve had a couple margaritas and you’re feeling good, and then you start making a plan like you are inebriated. It’s not an authentic plan. Mm-hmm. And again, nothing tastes worse than a pina colada with a side of guilt that is, that applies to everything here.
Nothing tastes worse than a beautiful wedding with a side of credit card debt. Nothing tastes worse than. You know, having a great experience in the moment and then waking up and going, shit, I had to put all of that on my credit card last night because I can’t afford it. So again, you have to have conversations, but you also need to make a financial plan when everything’s.
Fine when nothing is crazy, when you haven’t planned anything yet. So you have the foundation that you need to stick to when there’s temptation to veer away from the plan.
Christa Innis: Yes. Oh my gosh, that’s such good advice. So, I mean, I feel like that kind of covers when we’re talking about, you know, managing your expectations.
Letting Go of Everyone Else’s Expectations
So going into more of like the wedding, I know we’re talking about, so don’t, you know, put it on a credit card. Yeah. What would you say to someone that’s like, how do I. Budget for this wedding. How do I kind of plan for this? Um, and I always tell people too, I’m like, let go of expectations of others. ’cause I think a lot of times people want this big, huge wedding with 500 people.
For other people, they don’t think about what do my partner and I actually want? What’s true to us?
Tori Dunlap: Yeah, I think you make a great point where that’s what you need to start with is sitting down and having a conversation with your partner. What wedding do we wanna have? And it’s not what wedding does Aunt Marge want us to have?
What wedding does my mom want us to have? It’s what wedding do we want to have, because. Ultimately, again, it is your day, and I know there’s a lot of familial, familial pressure. I know that there’s a lot of people, a lot of cooks in that kitchen. Yep. But ultimately, this wedding is about a marriage. The wedding is one day and or for the crazy people, you know, a week, two weeks.
Right. But the wedding is the beginning of a marriage. Mm-hmm. You are in partnership with this other person. You are not in partnership with your mo mom or your mother-in-law, like you’re not in a marriage with your mother-in-law. You’re not in a marriage even with, you know, your maid of honor, best friend you are in a partnership in a marriage with your life partner.
You need to make decisions and start acting like you’re in a marriage when you get married. Mm-hmm. The wedding is just a day. The marriage is a lifetime, so you need to decide what you actually want with your partner. Now, again, easier said than done when there’s a lot of voices. Yeah. However, I think getting on the same page without any of that pressure first, and maybe it’s journaling separately, like what do I actually want?
And again, not what have I seen in movies that tells me what I should want? What have I uh, seen other people do that gives me a little bit of envy or jealousy? Like, what do you actually want? Mm-hmm. Then you need to ask yourself, can I afford? What I actually want. Mm-hmm. Now, sometimes the answer will be, yeah, we can do that.
And sometimes the answer will be no. We’d have to go into a lot of debt to do this. Mm-hmm. So we have to find a happy medium there because. A lot of times I want a Ferrari. I want, uh, you know, a seven month stay at the four Seasons. Um, but that is not in my budget, right? So there’s a lot of things that we can want, but that we can’t afford.
And again, I cannot. I cannot emphasize this enough. It is very easy to get in the yellow state of mind of like, hopefully we only get married once, so like we’re gonna go crazy. I do not want this day to be haunting you four years because you could not afford it, right? So what do I want? Journal about that.
Think about that. Come to your partner. What do we want together? And then what can we actually afford? So the best thing to keep in mind is that obviously weddings are gonna be very expensive. But you need to determine in the wedding what is really important to you about this. Mm-hmm. Uh, is it, I want this particular dress and I’m willing to compromise on other things in order to have that.
Great. I was actually just thinking about this the other day. Um, my partner and I, uh, have been together for three years. I don’t think we’re getting married anytime soon, but I don’t know why. I just thought about this. I’m like, what is, what would be important at my wedding? And food is huge for me. Mm-hmm.
And now I’ve turned my partner into a foodie as well. So I was literally thinking, I was like. When we get married, I think it will probably, like the food is gonna be the priority. ’cause I want every guest at the wedding to eat really well and I wanna have like a memorable meal. So, okay. I would be willing to compromise on other things.
Maybe that’s, you know, less crazy flowers, or I do my flowers myself, uh, and I want good food, so I’m willing to compromise for that. Mm-hmm. My friend Paula Pant, who’s another financial expert, says, you can afford almost anything. You just can’t afford everything. Love that. And this is all of life, right? Is it’s like, okay, I really wanna go see Taylor Swift.
And a tour. A tour tickets are really expensive, so I am willing to not drink as much coffee or I’m willing to not, you know, buy every piece of clothing I want to buy because I would rather do this other thing. So that’s what you need to ask yourself. It’s not deprivation, it’s actually strategic. It’s, I really want this thing.
So I’m gonna compromise on this other thing so I can have this thing. Mm-hmm. So that becomes then the next conversation of what can we afford and then where do we want to really spend our money? Mm-hmm. And then you can kind of determine what the budget should be and also what, you know. Yeah. I don’t wanna compromise on that, but I’m willing to compromise on this so I can have that.
Christa Innis: Yeah, I love that. And that really ties into one of the biggest lessons I always see you talk about, and that’s like. Not shaming people for the coffee, you know, buying your $4 coffee, whatever it is, if it’s something that you enjoy and it’s gonna bring you happiness on that day, then do it. And if that’s something that’s in your budget, but if you’re just doing like a really fancy ballroom because your parents got married there and they are really pushing you, maybe let’s say goodbye to that and do like a smaller venue, you know?
Right. So that’s a such a great point. ’cause I think we get caught up in what everyone else wants.
Redefining Your Wedding Day
Tori Dunlap: Yeah. Or it’s okay, uh, we need to invite your uncle and aunt that you haven’t spoken to in 10 years just because they’re family. And it’s like, no, no. It’s your wedding. You get to do whatever the hell you wanna do.
And I think that, um, once you start setting those boundaries too with family, um, boundaries always feel like aggression for people who have never experienced a boundary. Mm-hmm. So it can just be like, no, this is our wedding. We’re gonna do this. No, but no, this is our wedding. We’re gonna do this and would love to see you, but if, if this makes you uncomfortable, we’ll see you, just see you at the reception or we’ll see you for dinner after.
Like, I, if they wanna uninvite themselves from their behavior, great. That’s, that’s in their control. I’m also, I’m, I know that I, I think I’m better at boundaries set than the average person, but like that is the level of boundaries you need to have. On a wedding day because you’re families are insane. Yes.
And like you need to a hundred percent know what you and your partner want. Make sure you two are on the same team, you’re on the same page, and you are staying committed to what you actually want.
Christa Innis: Yes. I always say like, if I would’ve gotten married to my now husband when we first started dating. It would’ve been so different because I think I would’ve been so much more easily, like persuaded and, ’cause we were together like almost six years before we got engaged or before we got married.
And so I was early twenties, you know, I feel like so much more easily like, yeah, I should do that. Okay. But also our budget would’ve been way smaller. So it’s like, what would, I’ve gone into debt, who knows? And so I feel like now like. By the time we did get married, it was like we saw our friends do it. We saw what things we liked and we didn’t like, and then we were so much better at being like, this is what we want.
We’re not gonna have a huge wedding, we’re gonna have, you know, a standard amount. If I haven’t talked to you in over a year, you’re not getting invited. That’s just how it was.
Tori Dunlap: Yeah. And at the end of the day, like if we’re just looking, you know, at the legality of it, you and this person are signing a.
Financial and legal contract. Mm-hmm. The wedding is something that, you know, from a cultural and societal point we have now put on this, and again, especially if you’re like a person of color, there’s certain traditions, right? There’s certain cultural, uh, you know, experiences. But at the end of the day, like.
You and this person are signing a legal contract. Everything on top can be whatever the hell you want it to be. Mm-hmm. We’ve just, in society, had a very specific version of what a wedding is. Even, you know, white dress. So many people now are wearing red dresses, they’re wearing, uh, pants suits. They’re not wearing dresses at all.
Mm-hmm. Right? So there’s so many ways that you can make this an authentic celebration of your love and excitement with this person. And it can be whatever you want it to be. It can just be, we’re getting married at a courthouse and we’re going and renting out the back room at a restaurant for the 20 people we want there.
That’s a wedding. It doesn’t have to be a big hoopla if you don’t want it to be.
Cash Funds, Splits & Real Talk on Modern Traditions
Christa Innis: Yeah, I love that. Okay. I thought we would jump into a little wedding. Money, rapid fire. Love it. Just to kind of get things going. And then I’ve got a story that someone sent me and we’ll kind of, uh, react to that. So here we go.
Okay. All right. I think I know what you’re gonna say about this first one. Okay. Set. Set the guest list or set the budget.
Tori Dunlap: Yeah, I think we have to go budget first, but I think it can be a. You can do ’em at the same time of like, okay, I’m gonna have a general budget and then I’m gonna have the guest list and there’s gonna probably be some people that don’t make the cut.
And it’s your wedding.
Christa Innis: Yep. Yep. Got it. We always gotta keep saying that. Uh, cash fund or traditional gift registry.
Tori Dunlap: I, oh, you’ve given me the perfect opportunity to talk about something that I’ve been meaning to talk about forever. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay. I love it. Sorry, this is no longer rapid fire, but gimme a second.
Okay. It’s okay. I love it. So. Okay, so, you know how in, let’s call it the fifties, fifties, sixties, right? And I’m gonna use the, the, you know, uh, heteronormative relationship here. Mm-hmm. When a man was marrying a woman, especially in, you know, let’s call it everything before really the 1970s, it was typically happening either.
Uh, at 18, and the woman was not attending university, or it was happening basically the moment they graduated, or even, you know, the semester before they graduated. Yep. People were getting married extremely young. So especially women would literally go from their parents’ house to their husband’s house.
That was it. Right? So you’d go and you’d live your 18 years with your family, and then you’d get married. Or you’d go to college and then you’d get married. So you did not have a life that was not living with somebody else. Yeah. You did not have a life and stuff that you would’ve accumulated. You typically did not live alone.
Right. This is my nana. My nana got married I think at 19 and had three kids by like 25. And I think about that now and I’m like, oh my God. Um, same. So we live in a society now where. People are getting married a lot later. Mm-hmm. Women have a lot more now. The rights, the rights are dwindling every day, but a lot more rights, right?
Mm-hmm. Women are getting more, uh, college degrees than men are. So in our society, everything’s changed for me, right? I, uh, left my parents’ house at 18. I went to college until I was, you know, 22. I got my bachelor’s degree and I have lived on my own. I still live on my own. I don’t live with my partner. I’m 30 years old and so I have eight years where I have bought my own blender and bought my own couch and bought my own desk and bought my own silverware.
So I think it’s changing, but there was this idea, especially like 10 years ago of it’s like tacky to ask for cash. Like I just wanna buy you a toaster. And I’m like, okay. So. Now though, in a typical relationship, I, when I get married to my partner, my partner has a toaster and I have a toaster, right? And maybe we’ve moved in together and consolidated to one toaster, right?
But we’ve already had a life where we have purchased a lot of the things that would typically go on a registry. Now we weddings are perfect opportunity to ask for the things that you maybe couldn’t afford. Like, okay, I’m gonna get the really nice flatware, I’m gonna get the really nice pots and pans, or the really nice knife, but.
This whole narrative around, oh, it’s tacky to just ask for money. I’m like, it’s actually not, because the way that weddings happens at a societal level is so different. They happen later in life. Women have a, you know, an increased education. People are getting married in a different way. They’ve typically already moved in together.
And so I love a cash fund. That is my long-winded way of saying this, and it’s, I think it’s so, uh, unfair when people are like. Why aren’t they asking for cash? That’s tacky. No, the, the way we view weddings has fundamentally changed. Mm-hmm. I already have a blender. My partner already has a blender. You don’t need to buy me a blender as a wedding gift.
That is the third blender that I don’t need. I’ve already established my independent life.
Christa Innis: Yes. Two things that I always see about cash funds anytime I post about it, either or like, like. I should say showers or registries. Right. People, one can’t understand when a bride in a traditional heteronormative relationship would want their groom.
There would want a guy there like, why? Why? Why are guides there? That’s one question I always see, and the other one I always see is I’m not paying for a honeymoon, I’m not paying for this, and I go. What if you give money at a wedding, you don’t have control over what they use it for. They can use it for their lunch tomorrow.
They could use it for bedsheets or they could use it for a pina colada on the beach. Why does that matter? Right.
Tori Dunlap: Well, and let’s be honest, if you buy me a blender and I already have a blender, I am going. To the store, returning the blender and getting the money, getting the cash. So, so just gimme the money.
But it’s also like we have all of these sites, I think Zola’s one of ’em, right? That’ll say, okay, you can buy the couple dinner on their honeymoon. Yeah. And like, I love that because it feels like ultimately it’s just money, right? But it feels a little bit more like, okay, I am buying this person something.
I’m buying them an experience on their honeymoon. I am helping them contribute to their down payment on a house fund. Um, so that’s a nice kind of happy medium of. I’m gifting them this experience. Does it go into a big cash fund? Yeah, it does. But I am buying them this experience that they can now do on their honeymoon or after, you know, getting married.
So I think that, yeah, I just hate the whole, like, cash is tacky. I’m like, no it’s not. The entire concept of marriage is so different than it was 50 years ago. Mm-hmm. Everything’s different. Um. So, yeah, I just, I hate, I hate that whole narrative.
Christa Innis: Yes. Oh my gosh. I love that. Okay. All right. Back to the rapid fire.
Okay. Splurge. Yeah. Sorry. No, you’re good. No, I love it. I love the, I love the discourse, uh, splurge on honeymoon or save it for a house.
Tori Dunlap: I think it’s up to you. It’s up to the couple. Um, if buying a home is really important, great. Again, it’s a trade off, right? I really want a house, so I’m okay doing a less crazy honeymoon.
Nope. I really wanna travel. I wanna have a once in a lifetime travel experience. I don’t, I’m not interested in buying a house or that doesn’t make sense for us. Or I’d rather rent. Okay. Great. Crazy honeymoon. It is.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Love it. Uh, bigger emergency fund before the wedding or after.
Tori Dunlap: Um, I mean, if you can do it before, do it before.
Um, but this is again where we hopefully are saving a separate wedding fund from our emergency fund. Your emergency fund is truly for emergencies. It is for when shit hits the fan. If you’re familiar with my work, you know, it’s the number one thing I counsel people to do. It’s the first financial goal you should be saving for.
Um. But if that is separate, that is gonna be separate from the amount of money you’re spending on the wedding.
Christa Innis: Mm-hmm. All right. I got two more. Pay off debt first or save for the wedding.
Tori Dunlap: It depends on the kind of debt. If you’re in credit card debt, that is really expensive and we wanna get that paid off, uh, before we prioritize saving more aggressively.
However, my answer for a lot of things is like, why not both? If you can do both at the same time, especially if the wedding’s getting closer. I don’t want you just so focused on paying off your debt that you suddenly have a $50,000 wedding that you will have to go back into debt for. Yeah. So if we can do both, do both.
Christa Innis: Okay. All right, and last one, split. The wedding costs 50 50 or based on income.
Tori Dunlap: Oh, I love this one. I think. Most things, if not all things in a relationship should be split based on your income. Mm-hmm. Um, I have been very vocal about this. I’m a multimillionaire. I make a lot more money than my partner. My partner makes about $65,000 a year.
So we are in very different tax brackets and everything from, uh, you know, a big deal from getting married to just splitting, you know, the cost of a trip. We have a conversation and it is. Almost, it’s never 50 50 because that’s not equitable. I’m not looking for equal, I’m looking for equitable. Yeah. So I make a lot more than he does.
Uh, it is my responsibility to spend more, uh, than he he does. Right? It does not make sense to like split our rent 50 50. So maybe it’s 70, 30, 80 20. You guys get to figure that out. But, uh. Nobody is walking into a marriage with the exact same financial situation as somebody else, the exact same amount of debt, the exact same salary with benefits, the exact same, uh, earning potential even I.
So that is something definitely that you should chat about with your partner.
Christa Innis: Yeah, I love that. I learned that from you as well. Like that’s how my partner and I’ve, I’ve always worked everything. ’cause we’re like, it doesn’t, I love it. It’s not fair to be completely 50% if we make different money. So I love that.
When Your Wedding Turns into a Nightmare
Okay, let’s jump into this week’s story submission. So what we do is just, I’ll just read a story, we’ll kind of stop and react to it. Um, and we’ll just go with the flow. I know we’re kind of running along on time, so hopefully you’re okay on time for a little bit. Okay. Perfect. Okay. This says, we were so excited to have finally chosen our wedding venue and secured our date planning could officially begin.
We were assigned a venue coordinator and scheduled a meeting with her to go over all the details. The meeting went great and we felt we left feeling confident. But the very next day we received an email saying, our coordinator had accepted a new job, and we’d be assigned a new one. Here we go. Oh gosh. We were told not to worry.
All the information from our meeting, the venue layout, choices, ceremony, and reception were all shared with her. They would be passed along to this new coordinator. A few weeks later, we received an introduction email from our newly assigned coordinator. She encouraged us to reach out with any questions and scheduled our final meeting with her before the wedding.
Naturally, we had several questions, so I emailed her and waited. Weeks went by without a response. I sent a follow up message. Still nothing. I tried calling, no answer. Eventually, I contacted the head coordinator at the venue who informed me that our coordinator was on leave just weeks before our wedding.
We would be assigned another new coordinator. Gosh. Okay. Uh, when we finally met the third coordinator, we discovered that the information from our original meeting had been completely mixed up. Even worse, we were now being told that some of what we told what we were originally were told was not correct.
It was a total mess. Fast forward to our wedding weekend. Oh my gosh. I can’t believe like nothing was figured out before the wedding weekend. Okay. We were hit with a surprise charge from the venue that had never been disclosed and we were not financially prepared. We ended up maxing out our credit cards just to finish paying off the wedding.
Oh no.
This is a nightmare situation. Oh, okay. If you guys can’t, if you guys are just listening, can’t see the, the video, Tori just, oh, I’m having a full meltdown. Oh gosh. Uh, gosh. Here we go. Okay. So they ended up maxing out credit cards just to finish paying off the wedding because we were told the event couldn’t proceed until it was fully paid.
That’s like unheard of. Why would they just all of a sudden. Say that to them. They didn’t offer any payment plans either. That seems very odd. One of the wildest moments was when we were told after paying for a ceiling treatment, wait, what? That we would also need to pay an additional fee to have it installed or they building a new building for them.
Tori Dunlap: I mean a ceiling treatment being like, you know, tool or ribbon, like hung from the ceiling. That’s what, in my head, ceiling treatment
Christa Innis: maybe. No. Yeah. You know what? You might, you
Tori Dunlap: might be right. I
Christa Innis: think that’s
Tori Dunlap: it.
Christa Innis: I’m like
Tori Dunlap: picturing them building out a whole new, at first I, oh, see. Yeah. And at first I was like, are they taking like the popcorn off the ceiling or some shit?
Like Yeah. Like what?
Christa Innis: That is insane. So then there, so is the question,
Tori Dunlap: what
Christa Innis: to do. So it’s like they’re not only paying for this item, they’re paying for it to be installed, which you would think that would be included in that price. Um, we told them to remove it from the invoice ’cause we simply couldn’t afford to pay for something we thought we had already bought because it was supposed to be included at the reception.
The coordinator who was supposed to be there never showed up. Oh my gosh. I would be literal. Okay. This is terrible. The venue staff were rude to my family during setup. I had planned for lawn games during cocktail hour, but when my mom started setting them up, one of the staff members said, why are you setting those up?
Don’t do that. No one will play them. My poor mom decided it wasn’t worth the fight and just didn’t set them up, which upset me. The bartenders were rude to the guests and didn’t even have enough of what we ordered for our specialty cocktails. The venue only set six chairs at each table instead of eight.
Was this their first venue or first wedding? Like it seems like they don’t know what to do. Um, as shown on our seating chart. So guests left without places to sit. People were literally carrying chairs from table to table to sit with their group. Finally, it was time to cut the cake, the cake cutting, set the venue.
Um, set by the venue was supposed to provide and was then nowhere to be found. Oh, there’s their cake cutting set. Someone had to run and grab a random knife so they could cut our cake. Despite all the chaos, we absolutely loved our wedding, but wow. It was definitely a wild ride. I love when they’re so positive at the end.
I’m like,
Tori Dunlap: no, I, I was hoping, I was like, please tell me you at least had a good time. Jesus.
Christa Innis: Oh,
Tori Dunlap: okay.
Christa Innis: Like what do you do in that situation?
Tori Dunlap: I got it. I’m gonna fix this person’s entire life. Okay, love it. Okay, here we go. First thing, um, is. Gather every single piece of documentation you have about everything that went wrong.
Mm. So everything of like those emails that you never got a response to, um, the document. Okay. There was no, there was no cake cutting. There was no not enough chairs. There was an additional fee, even though, like, hopefully you have notes from the original call. Yeah. And hopefully you have a date on those notes.
So we’re gonna go, yeah, I’m going full like. Detective, FBI here. Okay? So you need full documentation of everything. So that’s the first thing. So gather all of that documentation. The second thing you’re gonna do is you are gonna go to the venue. And you’re going to ask them to make it right. This is their first opportunity.
Okay. Is you’re going to gratitude sandwich again. Mm-hmm. Um, thank you for doing, you know, find some nice things that they did about, uh, thank you for, you know, taking care of us. I wouldn’t say even say even taking care of us ’cause they didn’t, um, thank you for hosting our special day. We appreciate you did this and this and this and you’re then gonna go a full, like, block of an email.
Um, this was not right. This was the expectation set. We felt extremely unsupported. There was additional costs, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is what we expect. You’re gonna ask for a full refund on the wedding, a full refund. Yes. They’re probably gonna tell you no, but you’re gonna ask for a full refund on the wedding if you get hostility back.
You’re gonna go to your credit card company and you’re going to dispute the charge. This is rule number three. So credit cards, one of the best things about credit cards is when used responsibly, they’re incredible tools for situations like this. Mm, I spent this money and did not get what, uh, what I asked for, or the expectation I was charged this amount of money.
It’s like, okay, I was double charged by this company. For no reason. Right? Yeah. You get to dispute the charge. So you’re gonna call your credit card company, you’re gonna tell them everything. You’re gonna be like, I have documentation, I have receipts. I can send them all to you, and you’re gonna dispute the charge.
So the biggest two things is you’re gonna go back and forth with the venue, right. And you’re gonna get, it’s not even Karen, because you’re asking for something that’s totally understandable. Mm-hmm. But you’re gonna be like, I. If you don’t make this right, I’m not gonna be able to recommend this venue. I, I’m going to be basically forced to leave a poor review.
This was not a pleasurable experience and I need you to make it right. You, you know, you did not offer me a coordinator. You, I did not hear from them four weeks. Uh, there were additional charges that were not transparent. Um, if you have the contract right, you hopefully signed a contract with a vendor, go through the contract, see what was in the contract versus what wasn’t.
Um, and then again, hopefully they refund you at least partially. If you either don’t get a refund or just get a partial refund, go dispute it with your credit card. Hope this helps.
Christa Innis: Yes. Oh my gosh, Rob, that perfect advice. ’cause that is just, I feel like so many times unreal when it gets stories sent from brides.
They’re just like looking back on it and be like, this sucks. And just feel like they have to deal with it. I love it. No, I will give
Tori Dunlap: anybody listening if something does not go right at your wedding. That was in somebody’s control. Not the weather, not, you know, uh, something crazy, but like in their control.
Mm-hmm. Negotiate it. Yeah, negotiate it every single time. Um, I know somebody who literally got their wedding basically 50% off. Like the photographer didn’t show up on time, so they were like, Hey, I want half off the photos. Um, like the venue was supposed to have this, it didn’t. They negotiated 25% off of that, like mm-hmm.
There are, so there’s already an insane upcharge as soon as you put the word wedding on anything. Mm-hmm. And you expected a service that was not completed, therefore you should not have to pay the full amount. Yeah. Like, that’s just it. Um, so if anybody’s out there. He was like, oh, but I don’t wanna be an inconvenience.
No, you spent your hard-earned money and this person went into debt. They match to try to pay for this. Yeah. So you need to dispute it. You need to have a conversation. Anytime something goes wrong and it’s, you know, significant enough, it’s not like, I don’t know. Oh, the, the tablecloth were slightly the wrong color.
No, that’s too, that’s too minuscule. Right? But if something significant goes wrong that impacts your, or your guest experience. Negotiate it.
Christa Innis: Yeah,
Tori Dunlap: negotiate it.
Christa Innis: I love it. I love it. ’cause I think most people don’t even feel like they have the opportunity to do that. I learned that from you too. Is like where you can like call like reg, like phone bills or like internet bill.
Yep. Call them, you know, never just completely like accept something without calling and looking into it first. And you made a good point too about when you have meetings like this, whether it’s a wedding or anything else, like a big. Large sum of money, write things down, record things, document it, have email, um, because I think a lot of times things happen on the phone.
I had a crazy, this is what
Tori Dunlap: I recommend for work too, is like, okay, if I have a conversation with somebody on the phone, I will send them a follow up email of like, Hey, it was so great to talk to you as a reminder to both of us. Here’s everything we discussed. Yeah. Because then I have a timestamp, I have, uh, correspondence that they, they have received it, right?
Mm-hmm. So unless they email back and they’re like, no, that’s not correct. Uh, we assume that we’re on the same page, so then you have documentation of all of it.
Christa Innis: Yeah. I love that. I, this is a very small side story, but I learned my lesson with this recently. We were sending up for, um, self-employment insurance or whatever.
And this guy I noticed was only on the phone and then things didn’t go through, but he, I got like triple charged and all of a sudden it was like this crazy like scam thing, but I had no emails to show it. I’m like, I swear, this is what he said to me. And so now I’m like, okay, I’m never just going on the phone with an insurance guy.
I need proof.
Tori Dunlap: Yeah, and again, a lot of these conversations do happen in person or over the phone. So take notes while they’re happening in a notebook or on your phone, and then I know it seems tedious and hopefully you won’t need them, but you’re gonna then email everybody you talk to and be like, Hey, thank you so much.
You can do this at work. Again, this is at work, this is in your wedding and planning, just going, Hey, here’s everything we discussed today. If any of this is incorrect, please let me know. So looking forward to seeing you again, meeting with you again. You have to have documentation of it because it really comes in handy for situations like this.
Hot Takes, Hard Truths
Christa Innis: Yes, I love that. Okay, one final thing. People send me their wedding hot takes, so I’m gonna read just two of them and just gimme your, your quick opinion on them. I know we probably covered some of these, but this person said, spending the equal amount of a down payment for a house on a wedding is insane.
This is a really like controversial thing I think. If you can afford it,
Tori Dunlap: fine. I think if it only gets controversial if you can’t afford it. And again, I think, um, some people don’t wanna be homeowners or they can’t be homeowners, so it’s, it, I, personal finance is personal. That’s what I always say at her first center.
Yeah. Um, but if you’re going into debt, yeah, absolutely not.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Um, last one. Oh, okay. This is gonna be like a personal, but, uh, this says, uh, real flowers are the biggest waste of money. Go without and get artificial ones as they last.
Tori Dunlap: Again, if it’s important to you, I think real flowers would be important to me at my wedding because I love them.
Um, but I live in Seattle where Pi place market is. This is what a lot of people do in Seattle, um, is they don’t get, you know, the florist and the crazy things is they’ll go the day before. Go down to pipe place market, get basically the farm fresh flowers that are there and then you know, have their crafty mom or mother-in-law.
With them, like put the bouquets together. Great way to get fresh flowers on a budget. Um, but you can also, I’ve seen like people do fresh flowers with, uh, faux flowers or, you know, prioritize. Okay, I’m gonna have a big bouquet, but my bridesmaids are just gonna carry, you know, eucalyptus or something like that.
That’s let’s, you know, less expensive. Um. Again, if you can afford it and it’s a priority for you, great. It just means you maybe can’t, you can’t have something else that you might want to.
Christa Innis: Yeah. I was just telling someone, one of the prettiest bouquets I saw at a wedding, I was helping with the wedding once total DIY on a campground, and we pulled wild flowers, love the day before.
Yeah. And threw ’em on the tables. Love it. And they looked so beautiful. So just gotta do what you work, can work with.
Tori Dunlap: Just keep in mind, I have a good friend who’s a florist and she’s seen the horror stories of, um, if you have a bunch of beautiful flowers and it’s going to be hot at the wedding, yeah, those flowers will wilt like nobody’s business.
So, uh, if you’re getting married in the middle of the summer, uh, in Italy. Just understand that your flowers, your venue’s gonna have to understand what to do with those flowers so that they don’t wilt, you know? Yeah. Like, you just ha need to have that expectation too.
Christa Innis: Yeah. Something I definitely think about.
Well, thank you so much for coming on. I, like, I, I’m always like learning so much from you. I, like I said, I’m a huge fan of your podcast. I have your book. Thank you. I just, um, the information, the content you share is just so, so important for women, not only just women, but. Women to learn and I just really appreciate your time.
Tori Dunlap: Thank you so much for having me.
Christa Innis: Um, so one last thing. Can you just tell everyone where they can find your work, follow you, and then anything exciting that you’re working on?
Tori Dunlap: Yeah, so her first a hundred k is where you can find me her first hundred k.com, or at her first hundred K. We have over 5 million other financial feminists who would love to come see you.
Um, financial Feminist is the name of my book and podcast, so wherever you’re listening right now, you’ll find financial feminists there too. Um, and we always have a lot of really cool stuff we’re working on. I think. My favorite thing right now is we launched, uh, one of our programs called the a hundred K Club, and it’s basically all of the resources you need to get your first a hundred k.
So for people trying to pay off debt, trying to learn how to spend mindfully trying to save, um, we have an incredible community. We do live events, we do coaching with me. Um, and so yeah, you can find all the information at her first hundred k.com.
Christa Innis: Awesome. Thank you so much.
Tori Dunlap: Thank you.
Bye.