engagement conflict

What happens when your future mother-in-law corners you in the pantry to accuse you of ruining her son’s life? That’s exactly what went down in today’s jaw-dropping episode.

We reconnect with an anonymous guest, who now returns to share how her wedding journey unraveled into a powder keg of emotion, betrayal, and a confrontation she’ll never forget.

If you’ve ever questioned a wedding’s red flags, this story will stay with you. From a fiancé caught in the middle to a mother-in-law determined to divide, this episode is a must-listen.

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Episode Chapter Markers

00:00 Introduction

03:13 Engagement and Initial Red Flags

03:45 Mother-in-Law’s Demands Begin

04:52 First Major Incident: Venue Address

08:13 Boundary Issues and Kitchen Confrontation

11:56 Fiance’s Call and Silent Treatment

16:55 4th of July Weekend Tensions

20:43 Handling Emotional Conflict

22:11 The Pantry Confrontation

28:19 Post-Confrontation Reflections

31:22 Dress Shopping and Relationship Dynamics

33:25 Premarital Counseling and Lessons Learned

Must-Hear Insights and Key Moments

• Pantry Blowup – A quiet moment at the rehearsal dinner turns into a private ambush from the mother-in-law.
• Caught in the Middle – The fiancé’s struggle to balance loyalty between partner and parent creates more chaos.
• Crossing the Line – The mother-in-law’s accusations include controlling her son’s life and “changing him.”
• Silent Treatment Strategy – Post-fight, the MIL goes silent, leaving tension boiling under the surface.
• A New Kind of Wedding Day – Despite everything, the couple finds their own way to move forward—with boundaries.
• Delayed Fallout – A honeymoon doesn’t stop the drama. The emotional scars show up weeks later.
• The Support That Mattered – The groom’s eventual stand for his partner offers a moment of healing.
• Telling the Story – The power of sharing your experience and being heard, even years later.

Words of Wisdom: Standout Quotes from This Episode

• “If you’re scared to speak up at your own wedding, that’s a red flag.” – Christa Innis
• “Respecting boundaries doesn’t make you difficult—it makes you self-aware.” – Christa Innis
• “A wedding should never be the battleground for someone else’s unresolved issues.” – Christa Innis
• “Silence doesn’t mean peace—it just means someone’s swallowing their feelings.” – Christa Innis
• “Just because it’s tradition doesn’t mean it’s healthy.” – Christa Innis
• “I knew the moment she opened that pantry, something was going to explode.” – Anonymous Guest
• “It wasn’t just about the wedding—it was about control.” – Anonymous Guest
• “She made me feel like I was stealing her son, not marrying him.” – Anonymous Guest
• “I kept waiting for someone to stand up for me, but no one did.” – Anonymous Guest
• “You think family drama will die down after the wedding, but it only gets louder.” – Anonymous Guest

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A Team Dklutr Production

Blog Transcript:

Note: We use AI transcription so there may be some inaccuracies

Christa Innis: Hi there. Thanks for joining me. Thanks for having me. I’m so excited. All right, so before we started recording, we said we are gonna keep you anonymous today because we have a kind of crazy story to dive into today. for those of you guys listening, they’re like, what is she talking about?

 I think it was episode, I wrote notes down here, episode seven. I had Suzanne Lambert on and we read was one of the craziest stories. I think one of the kind of intense mother-in-law story. It involved, a lot of, anguish, a debate and a pantry on 4th of July and a lot of drama that went up, from there and.

This was such an interesting story to us, and we were like, I think you ended it with part two coming soon because you’re about to do your bridesmaid or no, your wedding dress shopping. So I was like, I have so many questions, let’s reach out to her and see if she wants to come on the podcast. So here you are.

So I appreciate you for being vulnerable and coming on and sharing.

Anonymous Guest: Yeah, no, uh, thanks. I mean. Honestly, like it was such a crazy story and I just think, I was just like, well, someone’s gotta hear this, whether it’s for entertainment purposes or therapeutic for me, I was just like, someone’s gotta hear this, so it’s good.

Yeah. Yeah.

Christa Innis: So if you guys have not listened to the full episode, I would recommend you guys go back to episode seven and give it a listen. but let’s just do some quick bullet points here. We’ll kinda walk through it together. I might also put a little, audio clip from it so you guys can hear some of the crazy moments there.

But starting off, you said, my fiance and I got engaged in April. We were excited to plan our wedding for next September, and his mother has always been supportive, often teasing him about proposing. So when we called to share the news. She barely finished saying congratulations before asking if she could go dress shopping because she only has two sons, so I’m not gonna read the whole thing, obviously.

But then getting into it, the red flags started appearing when you guys all got together. At, I think, was it an engagement party?

Anonymous Guest: It was at our house with Father’s Day weekends. Okay. We were hosting all the men in our lives. Yeah.

Christa Innis: Okay. And so at that point was when she started to demand to know the venue, address.

So tell us what went down here and oh, actually I wanna know first before all of this, did you guys consider her like a good relationship? Like have a good relationship with her?

Anonymous Guest: Yeah, no, we had a great relationship and like it, my fiance’s relationship with his mom was always good.

Ours was good. She was very supportive of us. And I even noted, but his grandma was pa in the process of passing away and on her deathbed was like, you have to marry this girl in two months. And he is like, you’re nuts. And of course we wanted to get engaged, but there was like a lot of family support including his dying grandma, his mother, like all these people.

And so there was never really any signs of any like, anguish as you said, like, or upset feelings. really until. Like the wedding started coming to fruition and that like maybe we were making decisions that were for us and nobody else. So I think that’s kind of maybe where that happened or. Maybe her perception of how that was starting to unfold was different than the reality.

Christa Innis: Yeah. Okay, so let’s go to that first moment. Yeah. Where she starts pressuring you to tell the address, even though the month was still like a year out, and you said this is the name of it. We actually haven’t even been there yet. So what happened? What all went down?

The Text Message Debacle

Anonymous Guest: Yeah, it was crazy. It was like, so we were sitting in our living room just having like normal Father’s Day watching golf kind of thing.

And we had told her where we were getting married. we kind of had left out details from the beginning just as we were figuring them out, told her. And then, you know, she was like, can you send me the address? And I was like, well, I already shared it with you. And she’s like, well, I delete my text messages, which is something that I know you guys noted the first time.

Yeah. We were like, what is she saying? They were like, who does this? And I was like, no, she’s just somebody that’s just like, just delete. Them? I don’t know. I don’t know. She actually

Christa Innis: does. She wasn’t just saying

Anonymous Guest: that goes through and she just like deletes all, every thread. It gets deleted like every day kind of thing.

So she doesn’t keep anything. Oh. And she doesn’t have a, you know, she just doesn’t keep anything. So I knew that originally she was asking ’cause like she didn’t have it. but then, you know, as time went on, she started like, and I said, well, why do you need it? I told you we were getting married.

And she’s like, well, because I wanna go and I wanna go see where the hotels are in p. And because it’s not so far from where she lives, all this stuff. And I was just like, oh, no, no, no, no. You know? And I, I was just like, no, that’s like really not necessary. We have it all figured out. It. April and our wedding is the following September.

So we were so far away time I couldn’t even open a room block if I wanted to. And so my fiance and I were just like, what? So, this is kind of happening and this is like starting that conversation again. We’re just very casual and she’s just like, no, like, just send me it. And I was like, well, it seems as though you wanna go there.

And like that’s not, we haven’t even been, and I’m trying to like bridge and bridge and understand and like. Really press this down kind of quickly and as amicably as possible because I’m just, she keeps pressing and then I keep trying to bridge it. and so that was like the first of what I,thought were like three major incidents within this incident of a day was her pestering about the venue.

And it was just so shocking to us. ’cause we were like. why are you pressing on this so hard right now at this time and this day? Yeah.

Christa Innis: Yeah. It’s like, where is this all coming from? All of a sudden you have to go see it and it’s like, how can she not see that this is a special moment for you and your fiance at the time of being able to like go to the venue together, see together for the first time before people coming in, in with their opinions.

Anonymous Guest: Yeah. and we, to this day, still have not seen it, which is hilarious because I planned our whole wedding around a venue I’ve literally never seen. but that’s the thing is I was just like, I don’t know when I’m gonna go. I don’t have plans to go. As of right now, it’s four hours away from where we live.

Like this is just the reality of it. And just because you were closer, let’s not like prioritize You’re needing this to go. Also, I was expressing it to private property. Like it’s not like you can just show up like a ballroom or a hotel. You can’t just show up. And then, my fear was that like, as she was pressing, I started to realize, well maybe she would go and, go to the property and start talking to these people and having conversations that I was not a part of.

And so I kind of started spiraling myself and that’s where I think I started getting more worked up by the thoughts of it. of what could happen. Mm-hmm. And just try, like I said, just trying to shut it down in that moment, really. Yeah. as kindly as possible.

Christa Innis: Yeah. ’cause it’s totally understandable to be like excited be like, if you want me included, I would love to be a part of it, but to then press, especially after you’re like, well, we haven’t even seen it ourselves.

It’s a private property. You can’t just show up. And she’s still pushing for it. So then she corners you. In the kitchen. How does that all happen? And does this kind of fizzle out first and you guys are like, just kinda like moving up past it? like what are other people doing during this time? Like are they looking at this like.

Is this still happening?

“Aren’t You Just So Happy?”

Anonymous Guest: well, we have a kind of open concept floor, so like our kitchen’s connected to our living room and connected, and we were kind of outside, so we had a group outside, like no one was really in the house anymore, and she’d kind of come inside and we were in the kitchen together and everyone else was kind of outside, which is a very similar, like kind of set up as it was when we were in the pantry situation, which don’t get to, but, and she was just, expressing that she was like.

Are you just so happy? I’m gonna be your mother-in-law. And I was just like, in the moment, I was taken aback because I’m like. Why are you asking this? Like, is this something you’re really concerned about? Like, am I so happy? Am I so not? Because I’ve obviously been maybe giving off some energy that, I was not as excited by your excitement to go to the venue and I was kinda shutting that down and then I shut down the conversation with my bachelorette party, and so I’m like, are you kind of getting the vibe that my energy is coming back to you in a different way and now you’re trying to get validation through me by saying, aren’t you just so happy?

 I tried to like, address it as head on as possible and just say like, yeah, of course I am, but here’s what’s happening right now, is that like, I feel as though you’re kind of, you’re trying to step on this, what I would call a boundary and saying like, my boundary is that you don’t go to the venue and you don’t, like this is the situation and I would just appreciate that you kind of let us handle it.

And, I didn’t again realize at the time the weight of the words I was saying. Again, I was trying to be as amicable as possible, be very choosy with my words and being kind. And ultimately like I wanted to be kind to her and, just express clearly how I was feeling. And I did not realize the weight of the word boundary.

 and how like significant it would play into the rest of.

Christa Innis: She’s held onto that grip on it. They don’t do boundaries in this family. Gorilla

Anonymous Guest: Grip, gorilla Gripp onto it. Yeah, it’s crazy. and I think that like it maybe was the first time being put in a, like to be held back from something or maybe to be really put into that box.

But at the same time, like it’s funny because you guys noted like, where’s your fiance and this whole thing, he is outside having a drink, has no idea. We’re, you know, in the kitchen kind of thing together. And I think in the most of the story, like he and I and, the sentiment really is he was just as stunned as I was through the whole thing and.

I think his reaction in the fight or flight minus fight his is kind of take a step back and process. And so whereas I maybe was more communicative with my feelings and clear up front later in the story, he was much more like nervous and surprised and then had to find a way to then speak and speak up about it, which is after the situation when we were in the kitchen when he ended up calling her, but.

I mean, we were by ourselves in the kitchen. And then as I said, this is my boundary. She, I don’t really remember her exact kind of feelings about it, but we ended up, walking away and having the rest of the day kinda be fine. And we thought the day went kind of weird after that and we were just like, man, that was like such odd energy in front of everyone, not just at least the three of us.

And. That’s when he ended up calling her, which came after that.

Christa Innis: Yeah. Okay. So we have an issue with the word boundaries. I’m glad you said the thing about like you and your fiance. ’cause I think a lot of times, like stories like this are written by the brides and they experience it firsthand because of that kind of like, turmoil, I dunno if that’s even the right word, but it’s like.

The fiance we to remember too, is in a difficult position, right? It’s like, obviously they’re choosing you, but at the same time it’s like, I’ve never seen this side of my mom before. I’m really sorry. But also what’s happening, but also I love you, I promise. they’re like dealing with all these like different so of like emotions and things they’re going through.

so that’s important to say as well. okay, so these red flags are showing, you’re like, okay, we’re gonna move on from this like boundary day. Yeah. then your fiance calls her. Mm-hmm.

Anonymous Guest: yeah. so we decompressed, we talked about the day.

We were like, wow, that was really weird. Never had an interaction like that. just seemed as though like she was really pressing and feeling anxious or worked up about the details. And so we called her and was just like, Hey, like. I kind of told him, I said like, if you feel this way, say it on behalf of you.

Like, I don’t want you to speak on behalf of me. in any way, giving anybody ammunition as to saying, well, she feels this way, she feels that way. I said, just speak on behalf of you and leave it at that. So he said, you know, like, I feel like the other day was weird and the energy was weird, and it essentially like maybe being more.

Clear with how he was feeling. I think it really upset her and she ended up getting so upset with his confrontation of the behavior and just saying like, and I forget along the lines of what he said, but he was just like, talking about this and talking about that. She goes, well, that was a joke.

And like, I can’t, I was just teasing. And he was just like, yeah, it really wasn’t, a joke or whatever. You know, he kind of addressed like things. Clearly and she just had different perception of it. and then I think that being as though he was so clear with her and like how he felt, she felt very attacked by that and very like hurt by that.

And the only way I think that she knew how to process that was to literal hang up on him and not talk to him for three weeks. Yeah. Which was crazy. Do the silent

Christa Innis: treatment. Yeah. I find that so interesting because it’s like, okay, respect your elders, communicate and he did just that. Yeah. He literally called her in an appropriate way, did not out her in front of a bunch of people saying, Hey, you’re being rude.

You know, like literally the most respectful thing. But there’s a certain, I feel like certain people cannot handle being told they did something wrong, or, someone was hurt by the way they acted.

Birthday Silence Treatment

Anonymous Guest: No, that’s exactly, right. and I think again, their relationship was so fine, but why did this instance of confronting behavior, and maybe he never did, and what I’ve come to realize in the last year about him and his relationship growing up and stuff like that, like he is so unbothered by everything.

Like the man could not be bothered by a single thing. And it is what a peaceful life my fiance lives because he just does not get worked up about anything and. It takes so much for him to even feel worked up. And so when coming at situations like this, he can so easily take it in and brush it out and it’s like.

Most people cannot do that or you internalize a little bit. And so I think that in interactions with her previously or growing up, like he certainly has never felt the need to address anything head on and or felt heard enough. But I think when it came down to us discussing how we felt and how I expressed to him how that made me feel, he then felt ownership and saying like, okay, well this is something that obviously we need to talk about and I need to address, but maybe she had never.

Had that be addressed before or been told to your point Like, this was wrong or your behavior upset me in any way. So it definitely stunned her. And you said she hung off the phone and didn’t talk to him for three weeks. didn’t talk to either one of us for three weeks, which was a notable three weeks because his birthday fell during that time.

And, there wasn’t like a. Come back together kind of moment. And it was a little hard. I mean, she expressed after that in the story that that was hard for her. And it’s hard for us, like, to have such a normal, good relationship with somebody and then to know there is tension and to know what is present for that whole time, like.

It was definitely difficult for us too. Mm-hmm. Because like we’re just trying to process how we feel about the situation in general and celebrate our engagement. And then also there’s this like massive tension that’s like building and then kind of being expanded in the family as like more people were obviously present and then seeing what’s happening and hearing what’s happening and it’s kind of expanding it felt like.

So that was, it was hard. Yeah. And then of course it’s birthday, so it felt, it just felt terrible. Yeah.

Christa Innis: Oh my gosh. I find it all so interesting because it’s like she can. Beret is probably a heavy word, but she can like, call you out in front of everybody, make you feel a certain way, even though you were like constantly putting your boundary down, saying, no, no, no.

She gets contacted in private by herself. Mm-hmm. And that’s disrespectful. It’s not okay. And she goes into silent treatment mode. She goes into like victim mode of like, oh my gosh, you guys are attacking me. And it’s just kind of funny to see like the opposites and from different point of views like, how she can’t even see like past her own like lens.

Anonymous Guest: Yeah. And that’s like a lot of the work that I’ve done in therapy and personal therapy like is just understanding. Yeah, of course. Like you have two sides to every story, but like. The information that we had to your point, was in private, in a calm way and trying to be clear and communicative and it wasn’t receptive.

 she wasn’t receptive at all of it. So I think that’s a piece of, I. Getting feedback and then being able to process at the time, at least in the situation, she just did not handle like super well and then ended up, my fiance and then extended party, like ended up suffering in those, three-ish weeks to that before the next, major incident.

So it was crazy. Yeah.

Christa Innis: Yeah. So let’s get into a Father’s Day weekend. This was the part that 4th of July. This is

Anonymous Guest: 4th of

Christa Innis: July weekend. weeks. Year. Oh, fourth. Oh yeah. Father’s Day weekend was the first dinner. So we’re talking Yeah. 4th of July weekend. This was still over the, not talking to you stage.

Mm-hmm. Completely like blocking you guys out. Yeah. Yeah. So at that point, okay, let’s talk about 4th of July then. So you guys don’t hear from her. You guys have a 4th of July party at this house with a really big pantry. Yes. Yes. This is the part that Suzanne and I were just like, wait, what is happening here?

She’s in the pantry now. This doesn’t make any sense. Yeah. I’m like visualizing this like beautiful, like huge pantry.

Anonymous Guest: It is. Yeah. Um,

Christa Innis: so you guys had like a rented house?

Anonymous Guest: Well, yeah. So without giving too many details my fiance’s family has like a larger, lodge of sorts, very much like the Hallmark esque make big lodges that they spend their Christmases in kind of thing.

They have one in their family. it’s also like a hunting lodge kind of thing. Okay. So just very large. and the kitchen is like an industrial kitchen, so you imagine like the big industrial stoves and stuff like that. And so there’s just this larger like wraparound kind of pantry type of situation that’s adjacent to off of it, but yes.

Where at their family’s house. lodge for, better words, but yeah.

Christa Innis: So it’s his family’s house. Everyone’s there, but his mom just hasn’t shown up yet. She shows up late, right?

The Lodge and the Cold Shoulder

Anonymous Guest: Yeah. So she doesn’t live too far from there. and so my fiance has like, family ownership of the lodge.

So we go up, we bring my family, my parents are there, that we all join the lodge for the weekend. So we’re there for like the long weekend and it’s her family’s place. and his grandpa. Owns it and he’s there and then the aunt is there. So everyone that was at the original incident is also now, coincidentally at 4th of July weekend.

 so she had every right to be there and all the plans to be there. But it sounds as though like, obviously we were struggling with communication. We were obviously not talking and then, so it didn’t seem as though she was very excited about the idea of joining us as soon as possible. So we were there for a couple days before she ended up joining.

Yeah.

Christa Innis: Oh, and do you think that was her plan all along? Or do you think she was randomly was like, I’m gonna go and make my entrance, my grand entrance?

Anonymous Guest: Yeah, it’s, well, so there was up being a couple things that happened. So there was like this other party that we were going to within for the July weekend that was at a house very close, and we ended up seeing her there for the first time.

So she was also at this adjacent family party inside of 4th of July weekend. Oh my gosh. To give you the vibe, and that is where we first. saw her face to face since he had not speak to her, like been on the phone and she was very cold. Like, very much did not want anything to do with us. And at the time.

I was, I kind of saw her in the corner and I could see that she was talking to somebody. and I could see she was very heated about what she was talking about, and I could only imagine that, she was kind of recounting what has been going on in her life. and she said a couple things kind of verbatim that she repeated back to me in the pantry.

So I knew that’s ultimately what she was talking about and mm-hmm. So I could tell that, yeah, the vibes were a little intense and so he kind of went up to her and tried to embrace her in some way and she was very much not into it. I tried to do the same thing. She basically didn’t hug me probably the first time ever.

and so it was like a really cold interaction. and then my parents were at the house, you know, down the road kind of thing, and. Her whole point was to come there and to spend time with all of us. And she ended up leaving that house and never visited them. Never even stopped, like just kept going. So the plan was to be there kind of the whole weekend, and she kind of came in, did her thing, and left.

Left for a couple days, and then came back what would be ultimately like a couple days later. So,

Christa Innis: oh my gosh, very much.

Anonymous Guest: Not the plan. Not the plan

Christa Innis: at all. Yeah. Yeah. It’s so crazy. Like looking back, of course, like. I’m just like, she could have avoided all of this by just like responding to her fiance being like, I’m sorry I made her feel that way.

I would love to like, get lunch next week and just like, hear about your wedding plans or, just like, kind of just completely turn it over instead. have like a toddler blocking this out. We’ll have

Anonymous Guest: to, yeah. Yeah. I’ll have to cut this out, but she needs some serious therapy, so I’ll find something else to say.

But I mean, yeah, it definitely like. You could tell she was so upset and she just didn’t know how to process her feelings and or how to navigate the situation in general. And like, I get that. I totally get that. We were all in uncharted territory, so it’s like. We were all processing things and being in this interaction for the very first time.

And so I think it’s important that, we handled it how we felt we could defend and talk about and, be proud of. And, I don’t know if she felt the same way, but it seems as though like she was kind of. Operating on out of fear and like confusion and, we were really trying to make sure that we were clear and concise and kind, you know?

Mm-hmm. Like we didn’t want to create any animosity, but, a lot of it definitely could have been avoided. And especially this whole like buildup to not talking and to not, leaving and not coming and not embracing all this kinda stuff is like, well that’s just hard, you Like none of us really wanted to.

Start back up again after so many weeks kind of thing. But it’s like someone has to do it. That’s why the pantry situation happened was because I was like, we must like do this now. You know? Like it

Christa Innis: get rid of the tension.

Anonymous Guest: Yeah. We have to try. So try.

Christa Innis: Alright, so let’s, let’s talk the pantry moment. So the pantry moment,

Anonymous Guest: this large pantry.

Christa Innis: So. how did that all come about? So eventually she shows up at the house. On a day, like she kind of showed up later to everyone. Like you said, it was kind of weird. She kind of came in and out. Sorry, I’m kind of like looking back at the story. No, ahead. Tell how, tell me how that kind of like all started.

Because I think it started with your, fiance and her talking, right? And then you were kinda like listening in.

 The Pantry Confrontation

Anonymous Guest: I was like, we have to address this. And they had finally just exchanged his birthday gifts It was kind of okay, but we had no, that was in front of everybody and so we had had no, like, one-on-one time with her.

 and so she kind of went in inside and everybody again was sitting outside. And so I was like, well, we should go, we should gotta, we gotta do it. So I was like, go, I’ll be behind you. and. So again, the beginning of the conversation, she kind of thought she was having it with just him. And that’s why the detail about me coming into the pantry was kind of a note because she didn’t realize I was there because like he’s standing in the doorway, she’s inside the pantry and I’m on the outside behind him.

It’s tall, man. So it’s like, she didn’t know I was there. So he kind of says like, we gotta stop this. Like you gotta stop. And so then she starts explaining like how up upset she is and how this has been so upsetting for her she kind of starts venting a lot of her feelings.

And then the first thing that she kind of said that like threw me was she was like, and she said she would send me the address and like, she didn’t send me shit. And so then I was like, well, it’s my time to enter now. And so I hear my name, I’m being summed. Literally. I was like, well, you brought me into it.

Darn it. I’ll join now. So I kind of came around the corner and I was like, well, and I kind of said exactly that, like. Well, it’s not time to enter out. So, like I come in and I was just like,I didn’t even give any words out really before, she kind of came in and she got very close to me and got very aggressive as far as saying like, how dare you speak to me that way.

You know, how dare you talk about a boundary like that kind of referencing our, father’s Day weekend conversation and just essentially saying that like. She couldn’t imagine, speaking, having somebody speak to her that way. And, what the hell is a boundary kind of thing.

And it, what the hell

Christa Innis: is

Anonymous Guest: a

Christa Innis: boundary?

Anonymous Guest: Oh no. like she knows, but she lists like, what the hell, that has nothing to do with this kind of thing. Like, just not understanding the impact of really what I was saying. And she’s like in, you know, very close to my face and I was just like, are you really, like, is this really what you’re gonna do right now?

And my fiance. The man was stunned. The man’s mouth was probably a gate on the ground like, and he is again, he is definitely not a fighter and he’s not like a flight, but he’s definitely someone who just maybe a little bit freezes, especially in this moment. He’s a very like. Confident person. Like he knows how to handle stress really well.

But I think when it comes down to someone that you really didn’t expect it to be from, he just froze in that moment and he said nothing. and so it was just me, you know, me, Duke’s up, got my hands up, I’m so mentally prepared to handle this conversation. I’ve had so much therapy that I was like, I can do this.

and so I was just like. Are you really gonna, approach a conversation like that right now? Like, I am not being aggressive and I don’t have that tone. Like, I just don’t think that’s productive. And, her responses were very aggressive and trying to get her feelings across in a very, like, loud, big way.

 and then I. Lost every, all of my therapy in me and I started rising as well. Hard get to, to a point where you’re just like, whatever. My ears are bright red. I am just like my heart is beating outta my chest because I’m just, I’m trying so hard to contain my thoughts and be clear, but then I’m also being attacked when I’m trying to process that.

my fiance is obviously standing there. I know this is hurting him in some capacity, so it’s like a, culmination of quite a few things that I felt like were like, leaning on my shoulders and I just started apologizing and and I truly felt apologetic like I did, that my intentions maybe were not the result of like what I said or how she felt, and.

 those were just not received well at all either. So all I can do is apologize. All I can do is take ownership of what may have been unintended consequences and like it wasn’t being accepted. So at that point, like, what are we to do? we are not getting anywhere. and we went but I can go in circles for a while and we did.

So we went in circles for a while and then mm-hmm. Ultimately, it ended up kind of coming to a close in that moment, but, not without going on for quite a while before that point, and mind you we’re in a pantry that is extension of a kitchen, extension of a dining room that has got windows that are open to the outside.

So many people, I think, no real confirmation, this pantry has windows. So the pantry door was open. We were standing in the, literally, oh, we were standing in the door and then the kitchen’s open, and then there’s a doorway, and then the doorway goes straight outside. Stop. So did you see

Christa Innis: people walking by and like no one

Anonymous Guest: was in the house.

They knew what was going on, so they were like avoiding it, you know? Yeah, they, did your parents

Christa Innis: know what was going on? Like were they

Anonymous Guest: like everyone did? Yeah. It was sad. My mom actually ended up getting. Really drunk. She’s like so worked up. She was just drinking so much wine. She goes, I got so drunk. And I was just like, you’re crazy.

Like, because she was so worked up because she knows like, I certainly don’t need anybody to step in on my behalf. So she was like not worried about having to do that or. Isn’t really that personality type anyway. But she was just so stressed out by the confrontation and the attention that she like got accidentally drunk.

But I think that they could hear, so, what I know to be true is they could hear parts of it. So I think at that point, we ended up coming to kind of a, close and it didn’t really feel resolved though, at all. and it was just difficult to be like, well, this didn’t really do what we wanted, kind of thing.

Christa Innis: Oh my gosh. Okay, so then the next morning she comes back to the cabin and that’s when you guys talked to her and everything like Yeah. Said that she felt disrespected. mm-hmm. And basically she just kinda leaves saying, I’m happy we talked.

Anonymous Guest: it was hard because. We’d gone kinda the whole day spending the day on the water and before this conversation even happened, and I felt so unresolved.

 It seems as though she kind of came into the day with a cleanish slate and was really trying to put everything behind, but not really, addressing it necessarily enough to put it behind. Mm-hmm. She kind of just said, well, that happened and now it’s over. and so as the day went on, I just kept.

Feeling so much more tension building up, because I was like, how are you going on? As if like, this did not happen yesterday and we had, this is not really resolved. and so I was like, I’m gonna say something. And I was like, I wanna say something. And I was like, I need to right here.

So we kind of, you know, approached it and I just said like, I felt very disrespected by the comments that were made and the way that you spoke to me and the tone that you spoke to me. And I said, essentially I felt like she was. Damaging the relationship that we did have and like to me as a person, like I felt like a wounded bird and somebody’s just like punching it, I just felt as though like I was already down and it just felt like I was getting punched. And so I tried to communicate that I didn’t really feel a lot of, again, apologetic energy from her. it was more so just like trying to find a means to an end or trying to get to the end. Mm-hmm.

Resolution—or Something Like It

And, it was hard. And then as I’m saying things, I’m more verbal processor, but as I’m saying things, I’m trying so hard to get off my chest to say it and to, feel it and to communicate it. And I just kept feeling like my blood pressure rising, like everything was just getting more. And she goes in for a hug and she’s like, I’m so happy.

We talked and I was just like. shaking. Mm-hmm. And like, I was just like, oh my God, I’m gonna die. So it was really hard because I felt like I was trying so hard to do everything the right way. And then finally I get it all out and I feel, no bit better. Like not even a single percent better.

 but we were having tension in the conversation. And then my fiance kind of stepped in and. be more clear and communicate from his perspective. Maybe someone she was more open to listening to. and, you know, he was just kind of shutting down some of the other things that she was saying.

And she, again, more, a little bit more receptive maybe to him. But, the problem definitely was coming from me and maybe my more outspokenness. in general about the situation. So it was, really hard and I was like, well, we, I wasn’t really happy. We talked, I’m happy I said what I said.

But yeah. You know, I don’t feel like immensely better because of it at all. Yeah. So,

Christa Innis: that’s how I, kind of understood it while I was reading it. Yeah, because it seemed very, like you were very open with her, you were very forward with how you felt, and then she was kind of just like.

Okay, happy we talked. Bye now. And I just picture that being like, oh, she’s trying to just brush it, put it under the rug, which I get to a certain extent. Yeah. Like let’s move on. But also like you did a lot, of hurt. You caused a lot of issues. Yeah. The way you acted is gonna create this little barrier now between.

Your son and his future wife. okay, so now let’s get to the new stuff for two part two. Yeah. Yeah. It’s been almost two months. You said since the incident, and you made an appointment to address shopping with your mom, your fiance’s aunt and his mom. When I read that, I was like, whoa. Okay. So she’s still invited, she’s still coming along.

Yeah. How did that go? what’s been going on since?

Anonymous Guest: Yeah, so. I felt as though it was still my responsibility to extend an olive branch or regardless of kind of where our relationship was, that that was something that I had to do, and ultimately it would’ve certainly caused more damage if I didn’t invite her, if she wasn’t a part of it.

and then giving her the opportunity to maybe make some adjustments as to how we’re handling, like wedding stuff. Like if she felt as though something really was wrong in the way she handled, like the venue conversation, stuff like that. Here’s your opportunity to handle it differently. so we did go dress shopping.

 the aunt, the mom, my friend, you guys obviously mentioned the first part like bringing, like a mean friend. I did have a friend there that was like. Prepared to potentially like, fend off any comments or any mm-hmm. attitude from really anybody, ultimately wasn’t needed.

The dress shopping actually went really, really well. She right, I think she just had, had a lot of, big feelings at the time and they’d kind of settled at that point up until then. and that was, you know, like in September. So that was like quite a few months ago now. But, we checked that box, like we did that, and then I continued to dress shop with who I, not who I wanted necessarily, but just like who other groups of people I wanted to go with.

So she kind of went the first time and then proceeded to them, check in and understand like how the process was going for me. ’cause I didn’t buy anything that day as I continued to shop. and that kind of went from there. since then I would say it’s been better. It’s definitely been hard because

it’s not the same as it was. And there’s pieces of me that just feels sad about that and like wondering, like, is it gonna be like this forever or is other situations gonna bring up more explosive feelings? Like, could this happen again essentially? Mm-hmm. and so.

My fiance and I started premarital counseling last end of last year, kind of as this was settling down much after the dress shopping. And we have learned a lot in there together about like this relationship, with us of course, but then with her and our families together and stuff. And so that’s provided us with a lot of like learnings.

And something I’d recommend to literally everyone, doing premarital counseling and then. Talking about like common issues that you guys face together, which this was one that we were facing kind of together. Mm-hmm. And it gave us a lot of clarity. It gave me a lot of clarity as to how like, you know, she was feeling and she was kinda operating out of a state of fear and maybe feeling as so like her son’s finally getting married, kind of feeling.

And so I was like, better. Understood. I think her perspective, and we never really had like a long conversation about like, let’s look back on this kind of thing and I don’t think we ever will. but I’m trying to, understand like what I learned from the situation and how I could take it forward into the future.

And I. If something else happens again with her or any one of our family members, like how, essentially I have the tools and that we have the tools to like get through something like that based on what we’ve learned. So we’re on improving that relationship, with her and, we have, gone up to their house and stayed with them and, spent time with them outside of that.

And it’s, Definitely like more positive than it was. I wouldn’t say it’s just the same as it was before, so. Mm-hmm. But at the same time, like maybe it’s a lesson learned that the, distance and like the separation of. Maybe we don’t need to talk every day, or maybe we don’t need to be involved in every decision was like a huge lesson learned for maybe her or on both sides of just like what this dynamic is now that, he does have a fiance and someone that he’s building a life with and to talk to every day.

And so maybe if you guys aren’t talking as much, it’s because we’re talking a little bit or whatever that looks like. it’s a lot of change, so I totally understand that. But. It’s definitely been more positive than it was then. Like we’re on a small, incline, kind of, like getting

Christa Innis: better, getting back to like how things were.

No, that’s good. And I think that will give a lot of people hope too through like communication and you make a good point too, about. It might never be back to how it was because sometimes when you see a certain side of people or you see how they treat you in a certain way, you’re like, okay, I have to tread these waters lightly because you’re afraid of like, okay, am I going to say the wrong thing or is my boundary going to offend them again?

And so I think it’s smart to like in those moments be like, okay, I am gonna like. Just tread lightly. Keep my distance a little bit. we’re gonna be respectful of each other. so I think your story can help people see that like communication can go far and you can only do so much. Like when someone’s being like, difficult like that.

And just like giving the silent treatment, that was probably her. Working through everything, like what’s happening here. I’ve never been told no like that before or I’ve never had a boundary set against me. Or they think like, oh, a boundary means I’m a terrible person. I’m not a terrible person. Yeah. And so they immediately get like defensive.

So I feel like you are so like gracious with her, like giving them like time and like space to like, I mean, not necessarily like you asked for time and space, but she just No.

Anonymous Guest: Yeah.

Christa Innis: But yeah, I think sharing these stories are good. Like we were kind of talking about before recording, it’s like sharing these stories are good because.

Anonymous Guest: People that are going through something similar can be like, oh, okay, I’m not crazy. I went through something like this. Or I am a mom and I was crossing the boundary for my son-in-law, or my daughter-in-law. yeah, I feel we learned a lot on how to tackle maybe quote unquote problems as a couple.

’cause I feel like most often people either. seek help in the relationship. ’cause they’re obviously fighting with each other. but this was kind of a common thing that we were going through together. And so it was something that was very difficult in terms of balancing, well, this is his mom and his relationship.

So a lot of what we’ve learned, I think, kind of moving forward is that like we each deal with our own families. and mine’s not, absolved to the drama. Like there’s stuff there too. And, I think that. I deal with that and he deals with his, and it’s not so much that we are individuals dealing with our, it’s just because what we’ve found or what I found is that like families can probably be more receptive coming from their own family members.

So, kind of crossing that communication, like me talking directly to her is not a problem, but could probably be, be better received. Potentially became from him. Mm-hmm. So we started kind of saying, well if as long as you feel the same way, if we feel the same way, and this is a situation that happened with both of us, like you can handle it.

or you can address it or what that looks like. it changes every situation. But that was a big lesson learned. And then. I’ve done a lot of like work and under justand understanding relationships, and there’s just like a path to expressing yourself and then letting it go that you kind of have to follow when you cannot change what people think.

You cannot change how people react. And so the best thing you can do is, be clear and say how you feel, focus on the outcome that you want to get out of it, but. If you want to change people’s emotions in a situation, like you have to stop That’s not something that you can change.

you can only focus on, if you want an apology or do you want to be listened to, but like, you cannot change, you cannot ask for empathy. You cannot ask for understanding. Like those things are not something that you can ask for. Mm-hmm. And then if, like those things are happening and the situation becomes reactive, you kind of have to walk away.

So again, learned a lot from the situation that in general I think it’s just good life advice and relationship advice. But I think there is hope, for other people dealing with this situation and or even dealing with conflict like this in general, it. I think it’s just all about like using those emotional intelligence tools in order to have, productive conversations on difficult topics and

Christa Innis: mm-hmm.

Strengthen

Anonymous Guest: your relationship from within. So when you deal with stuff like this, it’s not me versus you, or it’s not us versus anybody, it’s just, Kind of just more communication than this tension and this big, outburst or this big long situation.

Christa Innis: So, yeah. Yeah. No, I feel like those were such great like parting words that people can hold onto that advice.

’cause like we all could use a little therapy and I feel like that was like very helpful, like to just take to our own relationships. ’cause especially a lot of people that listen. Have either dealt with this kind of situation or similar situations, or they might in the future. so I think it’s helpful to know, you know, we can’t control other people’s emotions.

All we can do is control ourselves and how we can communicate essentially. So,

Anonymous Guest: Yeah, there’s hope. There’s hope. I mean, it’s gotten better and I assume it’s going to continue getting better. but I think at the end of the day, like this situation happens because somebody cares. So deeply and in some capacity it comes from a very good place.

So it’s difficult as it presents itself, either out of fear or anxiety or sadness, but ultimately like the core emotion is different, or just there’s a lot of change going on, stuff like that. So I feel as though like the intention is always. Mostly always good. and you kind of have to sink back into that and say, well, what can I do to best understand this person?

Knowing that they’re coming from a good place? And if you know they’re not coming from a good place, just don’t interact. Mm-hmm. Just take a step back, stay as far away as possible and until you feel as though that’s the situation, because it’s just probably won’t go anywhere. But yeah. 

Christa Innis: Don’t waste your energy on people like that, that are just trying to make you feel bad.

Yeah, exactly. Awesome. Well thank you so much for coming on and being vulnerable and sharing. I really appreciate it and you speak so well and I feel like, we talked about, like there’s so much to learn from this situation, but I feel like you came out of it like stronger, you learned a lot and I feel like it’s great just seeing that you’re applying it now to like future things.

 so I really appreciate you coming on and sharing.

Anonymous Guest: No, thank you. Thank you so much for having me. And honestly, like I just hope. This helps anyone, so just happy to be here.

Christa Innis: Yeah.